


If I Ain't Got You

by LoveMeSomeRafael



Category: Law & Order: SVU, Law and Order SVU - Fandom, Law and Order: SVU, law & order svu
Genre: Although for me this isn't much swearing, Anal Sex, Angst, Barisi - Freeform, Barisi Summer Exchange 2020, Because Barisi, Best.Prompts.Ever., Bisexual Sonny Carisi, Dorks in Love, First Kiss, First Time, Fluff, Gay Rafael Barba, Lucia Barba is a GREAT wingman, M/M, Mama Carisi HATES Rafael, Meeting the Family, Meeting the Parents, Mutual Pining, Olivia Benson is a good wingman, Oral Sex, Rita Calhoun is a Good Friend, Sex, Slow Burn, Smut, Sonny Carisi is a good friend, Swearing, The Carisi Sisters, Will Rafael get to propose?, who even am i
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:02:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 36,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25295137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoveMeSomeRafael/pseuds/LoveMeSomeRafael
Summary: Sonny and Rafael are just minding their own business, enjoying a crush neither knows is mutual, until Sonny shaves off that ridiculous mustache and turns out to be brilliant. To Sonny's shock, Barba seems to... be interested? It's a dream come true until Barba shows up in the squad room fresh from a date with somebody else.Eventually, these adorable idiots find their way to one another. But then they introduce each other to their families.The problem? Mama Carisi instantly and permanently HATES Rafael, no matter what he does. Sonny is the love of Rafael's life, but Rafael won't make Sonny choose between him and his family. Which means Rafael has to be the one to choose, at the cost of everything he's ever wanted.
Relationships: Rafael Barba & Rita Calhoun, Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr., Sonny Carisi & Lucia Barba
Comments: 19
Kudos: 69
Collections: Barisi Summer Exchange 2020





	1. Defining What's Within

**Author's Note:**

  * For [octothorpetopus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/octothorpetopus/gifts).



Considering everything, Sonny Carisi’s entrance into Rafael Barba’s life should have been accompanied by a fanfare of trumpets, or a screaming alarm of some kind. Probably both. As it happened, Barba really didn’t pay much attention. These days, Barba shakes his head in wonder at the very idea of being indifferent to Carisi. How do you not recognize the man who will change everything? 

Then again, Carisi wasn’t trying to catch Barba’s attention. Oh, he noticed Barba immediately. Of course he did. For one thing, you have no choice but to notice Rafael Barba, with his looks and style. And right on the heels of that comes the double-tap of his razor-sharp mind and his ability to speak it immediately and clearly. 

Sonny always did have a thing for people he admires. He made the varsity basketball team as a junior and spent the whole season pie-eyed over a senior point guard. And then there was the teaching assistant in English Composition class during his Sophomore year of college. And don’t even get him started on his Captain when he was still in uniform in Staten Island. 

And now Barba.

But Sonny Carisi learns from his mistakes. The point guard had waited until after Sonny went down on him in his car before saying that he was flattered, but straight. And Sonny still winces when he remembers what a fool he’d made of himself for the teaching assistant. So by the time the Captain came around, Sonny knew how to spot the signs of unrequited hero worship. He still develops crushes, but he’s learned to keep them to himself. 

When Carisi first came to Manhattan SVU, he already had the makings of a good detective. But he also came on like the Kool-Aid Man entering a room, and he had a mustache that gave Barba involuntary 1970’s flashbacks. Besides which, the squad was in the heat of trying to solve the murder of Ellie Porter, the biological mother of Olivia Benson’s son. Barba had other things on his mind.

The first time Rafael really noticed Carisi was around the time of the Evie Barnes case. Barba was on the phone, talking to Carmen as he entered the squad room. As he caught sight of Carisi, who was on the phone himself, Barba missed a step, stumbling over his words as he broke his stride. What was different? Not his clothes, unfortunately. Carisi obviously still valued economy when it came to his suits. Hair seemed the same, slicked back and glued in place by whatever overly-shiny product he insisted on using back then. 

Carisi hung up his phone and looked up just as Carmen’s voice said in Barba’s ear, “Mr. Barba?”

Rafael blinked and quickly recovered. “I think that’s it. We’ll catch up after lunch.” 

“What?” Carisi asked, taking in the fact that Barba was gawking at him. 

Barba was saved by Olivia choosing that moment to come to the door of her office, already talking. “Barba, thanks for getting here so quickly. Everyone, come in here. We need to figure out what we’re going to do about this video.”

Throughout the conversation that ensued, Rafael had plenty of time to study Carisi’s face. _It's a nice face_ , he thought. _Why hadn’t he noticed that before?_ In fact, if you could get past the cheap suits and the godawful accent, there was definitely something about Carisi. Barba liked the long, lanky type, and Carisi had a way of standing that displayed a confidence and comfort in his own skin that Rafael found deeply attractive. And those striking blue eyes…

 _It’s the mustache_ , Rafael realized with a jolt. He’d shaved it off. That’s what was different. Without having to avert his eyes from that horror show of a mustache, Rafael could see, for the first time, that Carisi’s lips were pink and full, and his teeth were just a little bit imperfect, which… _damn_.

Rafael assumes everyone knows he’s gay. He’s been so out for so long that he just figures that fact is part of the orientation to SVU, like, “The ADA who handles SVU’s major cases is Rafael Barba, who is gay. The copy machine is over here…”

He’s aware that Sonny isn’t straight, either. Carisi is very private about his love life, despite Rollins’s constant badgering, but Liv has mentioned to Rafael that he made a point of letting her know he was bisexual early on.

“I know you can’t ask,” Carisi had said to Benson. “And I think it’s just easier when nobody gets any awkwardly-timed surprises. Besides, we gotta represent, y’know? Straight, white, boys’ club like the NYPD…”

It hadn’t made much of an impression on Rafael at the time, except to the extent that he’d respected Carisi’s candor. But once Carisi lost the ‘stache and Rafael started to be very aware of him, he remembered. Not that he had the faintest thought of ever going near one of Liv’s detectives, let alone someone like Carisi. Rafael just found scoping someone out more enjoyable when he knew the guy liked men.

And so, for quite a while, Sonny Carisi and Rafael Barba coexisted with a pleasant crush that neither had the faintest idea was mutual. They wouldn’t have acted on it, even if they had. 

And then.

It was the Madison Baker case. That’s when everything changed. That poor, painfully young and naïve girl had tried to talk her way into her favorite movie star’s hotel room, only to be rejected and then seduced by his costar. She’d been treated abominably: drugged, raped, and left in a suitcase in an alley, and still she held to her delusions about both men. Barba remembers standing in the squad room, becoming increasingly impatient with them all – Benson, Amaro, and Carisi - because, as usual, they couldn’t let go when they should.

There was no case. For fuck’s sake, there was no _crime_ ; the “victim” had admitted she was a willing participant, and was still blathering about how “gentle” the guy had been! Still Liv couldn’t stop herself, and Amaro was right there with her, suggesting they try charging child endangerment.

By that time, Rafael had become fairly obsessed with Carisi’s mouth. He sometimes amused himself by imagining the squad’s reaction if they could somehow know the fantasies that mouth had fueled. 

And that’s when it happened. 

At that moment, Carisi opened those plump, delicious-looking lips – and out came sense. Not just sense, but _logic_. Carisi took Barba’s side and proposed a damn good argument, which fit all the evidence and had the added virtue of being true. 

Of course, Barba had gone with his first instinct and snapped, “Save it for night school.” 

Which he’d immediately regretted. It was so mean, he thought the whole squad room would immediately recognize it for the defensive move it was. Somehow he got lucky, though; he was able to keep talking and the conversation moved on. 

But that tiny incident hit him hard. It’s stayed with him, too. From that moment on, every time Carisi has offered some bit of freshly-gleaned legal wisdom, Barba’s made a point of harshly smacking him down. He doesn’t want Carisi to be smart. He can’t _afford_ for Carisi to be smart. It’s one thing to have a crush on this ridiculous man with his too-long limbs and his atrocious accent and his ~~adorable~~ annoying eagerness. It would be quite another if Carisi turned out to be an adult. 

**__________________________________________________**

Now, months after the Baker case, Carisi can’t seem to stop himself. He just keeps _saying_ things: correct things, intuitive things, things that make it clear that Barba isn’t wrong. Sonny Carisi is smart. He has a feeling for criminal law. It’s getting harder and harder to think of him as a joke. 

Sonny loves what he’s doing. He loves the law. Between grueling shifts with SVU and his night classes, he should be exhausted every moment of the day. Instead, he’s so interested in everything he’s doing that he doesn’t really notice the hours. As understandable as it would be, he doesn’t fall asleep over his books. Maybe he doesn’t make it out to Staten Island to see his family as much as he should, hasn’t had a date in recent memory, and his tiny apartment is overdue for a thorough cleaning. But he’s living his dreams, and he knows it. He wants to share what he’s learning and, he finds, he wants to share it with ADA Barba.  


He’s not entirely sure what to make of Barba’s constant jabs, but he’s pretty sure they’re not meant to hurt, or even to put him down. In fact, if he had to guess, Sonny would say that Barba doesn’t know quite why he does it, either. What Sonny does know is that the comments make it very clear that Barba listens to him. Hears him. And Barba may tell him to shush, or that Barba’s already thought of whatever Sonny’s suggesting, but Barba doesn’t tell him he’s wrong. Somewhere in there, Sonny thinks, Barba’s actually starting to take him seriously.  


Over the past few months, Carisi’s been spending more time with Barba, discussing their cases from a prosecutor’s perspective. He does offer insights and opinions – despite getting roasted for it most of the time – but more often, he asks questions. And Barba answers. He doesn’t always have time or patience for Sonny yapping at his heels (Barba’s phrase) but Sonny’s been surprised by how often he does. Sometimes, in moments of classic Sonny Carisi hero worship, he wonders whether Barba actually makes time for him on occasion. (Barba does, but Carmen’s absolute loyalty ensures that she is the only other person who will ever know it.)  


Which is why Sonny finds the courage to ask to shadow Barba through the Hodda trial. Rafael is taken by surprise, and it’s a lot of additional responsibility he really doesn’t need at the moment. So he says no. He makes the first excuse he can think of – with Rollins out on maternity leave, the squad is shorthanded – and learns two things. First, Carisi really is as smart as Rafael thinks. And second, Liv is onto him. Carisi’s already asked for her permission and Liv’s already given it. There is no way she’d do that without talking to Barba unless she had her own agenda here. _God help him_ , Barba thinks in dismay. _She’s matchmaking._  


So Barba and Carisi sit next to one another at the prosecution table and it feels… okay. Barba’s never liked having a second chair, but Carisi’s not trying to be that. He’s actually behaving like a shadow is supposed to: he’s being completely silent, and he’s paying rapt attention. In fact, he notices a tell of Hodda’s that had escaped Barba and helps him make a point before the jury.  


When they take a break, Carisi’s so high on the whole thing, he can’t shut himself up, going on and on about how great Barba is and what an astounding job he did on cross, even though Sonny can hear how stupid he sounds. Still. Barba doesn’t make fun of him. In fact, just the opposite. Barba… compliments him?  


He looks at Sonny. In the eyes. And says something nice. Sonny just stands still for a second before he can make himself move to follow Barba to the elevator.  


Rafael knows a little-used conference room on the top floor of the courthouse that he likes to hide in during breaks. At first, he’d thought having Carisi in his cave would be a problem, but it had taken no time to find that Sonny’s actually useful. Helpful. He sees things, and he’s talked Rafael off more than one ledge, during this trial. Which is a feat, because it’s not going well.  


This afternoon, Rafael flops into a hard plastic chair and puts his feet up on the table. He cradles his head in his hand even as he lifts a fresh cup of truly vile courthouse coffee to his lips.  


“Hey, Counselor, you’re givin’ the jury everything they need to convict this guy. If they don’t, it won’t be your fault.”  


Rafael drops his hand and looks up at Carisi in weary surprise. For a guy who’s never so much as handled an arraignment, Carisi’s got an unerring sense of what Rafael needs to hear right now. “Tell that to Lisa Hassler.”  


“Hey, she’s good, but even she can’t keep the jury from seein’ what Hodda is. The videotape was bad enough. But when he took the stand? They got to see the crazy up close and personal. I saw a couple of ‘em shudder.”  


“Shudder, huh?”  


Sonny can see he’s got Barba’s attention, and he thinks he has a chance to bolster Barba’s confidence a little. His long legs bring him across the small room and to the table in one stride. He pulls out a chair and sits next to Barba, leaning in close enough that Rafael catches a whiff of his cologne. It’s nice.  


_I really don’t need him to smell good, too_ , Rafael thinks fleetingly.  


Bright blue eyes look into deep green, and suddenly both Carisi and Barba find themselves having to remember how to breathe. 

Whatever it is that happens in that moment takes Sonny completely by surprise, and he almost forgets to speak, let alone what he was going to say. He skips several beats before he finally manages to mumble, “I, um… I know you got, like, twenty-odd years of experience and I’m not even a lawyer yet. But I’m a cop, right? I’ve spent a lot of time in court. I can feel what’s happening in there. You got most of ‘em. You do.”  


“From your lips to God’s ears.” Is Rafael whispering? He certainly doesn’t mean to be, but he can’t seem to find his voice right this minute. He clears his throat. Maybe Carisi will think that’s all it is…  


That night, Rafael goes over to the Precinct house to check on Carisi’s progress and to send Carisi to check on a witness. He could’ve called. He doesn’t think too hard about why he didn’t.  


He finds Carisi poring over the videotapes of Hodda’s confession. Admirable, the kind of dedication the guy has. _Damn it. _He’s got a care package for Rollins, too, because he’s a good friend. It’s in this moment when Rafael starts to sense that he might be in more trouble here than he realized. He stands in the squad room for several minutes after Carisi leaves on his evening’s errands, just thinking. And frowning in deep concern.  
__

__Sonny’s thinking, too, while he stands holding a strap as the subway rocks jerkily toward Amanda’s neighborhood. The difference is, where Rafael can’t help but see that Sonny’s interested, Sonny is certain that Barba is not. So Sonny’s not troubled. He’s just enjoying what he knows to be a hopeless crush, remembering how green Barba’s eyes looked when they met his during Sonny’s attempt to give him a pep talk this afternoon. Imagining what it would be like if he had just leaned in and kissed him, and Barba had kissed back.  
_ _

__When the case finally goes to the jury, Rafael surprises both of them by assigning Carisi to carry some of the exhibits and a box of files back to his office. He doesn’t know why he doesn’t just wrestle it all back himself, like he usually does. So much of it is electronic these days, he really could’ve handled it. Part of it is that Rafael wants to debrief the trial with Carisi. He refuses to think about what the other parts might be.  
_ _

__Sitting on Barba’s office couch, spread out as usual, Carisi is critiquing the defense’s tactics. He’s waving a pair of Barba’s reading glasses (which Rafael only wears late at night when he’s sure no one will see him) and he’s begun to do a damn good impression of Lisa Hassler. It’s hard not to laugh. And when he sees that Barba’s amused, Sonny gets inspired and starts to improvise. Pretty soon, he’s saying things so ridiculous that Barba actually smiles and, a few minutes later, Barba’s actually laughing out loud.  
_ _

__That inspires Sonny to move on to his John Buchanan impression, which Barba finds even funnier. It’s filthy, for one thing, with a fair amount of grade-school bathroom humor that is exactly the kind of mindless escape that Rafael needs right now. He forgets to even pretend to be above that sort of thing.  
_ _

__By the time Carisi runs out of steam, Rafael feels indescribably lighter than he had when they’d left the courtroom. When he eventually throws Carisi out of his office, telling him to go do something useful and let Rafael get to work, they’re both smiling. Carisi gives Rafael a fond slap on the shoulder and says he’ll see him in the courtroom when the jury comes back.  
_ _

__Rafael is sickened when the jury announces it’s deadlocked. One juror, in particular, refuses to be moved. The whole trial was a massive waste of time, effort, and taxpayers’ money. Worse, much worse, he hasn’t ensured that Hodda will stay in prison where he belongs.  
_ _

__Rafael takes a moment to stand, glowering at the industrial tile of the restroom floor for a moment before heading to the courtroom. As he does, it hits him, low in the chest. There’s something else. For days now, just below the surface of consciousness, Rafael’s been looking forward to seeing Carisi’s face, listening to him trip all over himself gushing with the exhilaration of hearing a guilty verdict from the prosecution table.  
_ _

__He’d wanted to win this one because Hodda is a murdering rapist. But, in this moment, he sees that he’d wanted it more because he’d been looking forward to being part of Sonny Carisi’s first courtroom win.  
_ _

__Instead, Carisi’s sitting next to him when the Judge declares a mistrial. Rafael doesn’t even look at him. He can’t. Rafael Barba, who could stare down a premenstrual T-Rex, turns away from Carisi as he gets out of his chair and watches Hodda give his attorney a celebratory hug.  
_ _

__On the steps outside the courthouse, Rafael finds himself asking Carisi and Benson if they’ll be going to the victim’s memorial that night. There’s not the least sign of Rafael’s disappointment when Carisi begs off to take over for Fin at Amanda Rollins’ bedside. In fact, Rafael doesn’t even realize he feels it. What he notices is a flash of annoyance. Rollins is on bedrest until she delivers her baby, and wouldn’t Carisi just have to be that kind of steadfast, generous friend? Carisi, entirely innocently, has just pushed Rafael a little closer to the edge.  
_ _

__For his part, Sonny’s the one frowning this time. As he walks down the street, he replays that moment on the stairs over and over. _Had Barba just invited him…_ No. He’d just asked him if he was going to the memorial. It wasn’t an invitation. But hadn’t there been just a flash of something in his eyes?_ _

____

____

_______________________________________

It’s a shit week. Barba’s in the squad room, kind of staring at the case board as if he can resurrect the case that’s just fallen apart, if only he concentrates hard enough. Sonny thinks Barba looks like he needs a shoulder. He knows he does, himself. It was his case.  


Sonny lopes over to where Barba stands, trying to seem casual. He keeps his voice light as he says, “Listen, Counselor, I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to stick a fork in this week. We both deserve a drink. Whaddaya say? My shout.”  


Rafael feels like he’s been dragged over a bed of broken glass. Just the thought of a stiff drink and a sympathetic ear lifts the gloom a little, and before doing the slightest bit of analysis beyond that, he hisses, “Hell, yes.”  


Which is how he finds himself sitting next to Sonny Carisi at a bar he’s surprised Carisi chose. Rafael has sort of assumed Carisi would hang out at cop bars or neighborhood places. He’s a little ashamed of himself for stereotyping him like that. But he’s also fairly uncomfortable sitting here on a Friday night with the man who seems to inhabit all his fantasies these days. In fact, he has more than once told himself he needs to stop thinking about Carisi when he’s getting himself off.  


The strangeness fades, though. Scotch helps, but he actually does like Carisi, and it’s nice, being here with the only other person who feels as lousy about the failed case as he does. They try to make each other laugh with gallows humor about the situation, and it works. _That smile. Those lips are a damn public nuisance, and damn Carisi’s gotta know what he’s doing to Rafael with that mouth._ Barba declines a third drink, because he’s half hard already, and it’s everything he can do not to say any of the things he’s thinking.  


Sonny’s drinking scotch, too, when he normally drinks beer. He finds he likes it, but it packs a bit of a wallop. He’s not sure which he’s more high on, scotch or the way Barba’s nose wrinkles when he really laughs. Whichever it is, he imagines he’s getting all kinds of signals from Barba. He’s just buzzed enough that he lets his leg fall against Barba’s, and Barba doesn’t flinch away.  


Sonny wonders. What if he just casually mentioned the bottle of Macallan 25 back at his place, that his friends gave him when he made detective? Would Barba flinch then, at the obvious invitation? Then again, what if he didn’t? Sonny’s getting a little uncomfortable here, because he’s hard. Not, like, tentpole can’t-stand-up-without-causing-a-scene hard, but hard enough that it’s getting tough to think clearly when Barba’s leaning toward him like that.  


He doesn’t even notice when his eyes fix on Barba’s unbearably sexy smirk, and he starts leaning in, too. There’s no conscious thought because now Sonny’s acting on pure hormones. Barba’s about to kiss him, and that’s all he knows. That, and the fact that he’s about to kiss Barba back. He can already taste…  


They react at the same moment. Both look away, both slide hands around the back of their necks, choosing identically transparent moves to cover their discomfort and try to pretend they didn’t just come within inches of kissing.  


Sonny’s glad he has half of his second scotch left. Barba’s a little further into his, but he’s got some left, too. Which gives them a few minutes to talk about the first thing they can think of that isn’t the world-changing event that’s just occurred and the seismic shift it’s made in their… whatever it is. Friendship? Not relationship, not yet. But, for the first time, Sonny uses that word in his head to describe what’s been going on between him and Barba for months now. He’s about to spend the entire weekend thinking about nothing else.  


So is Rafael.

**________________________________________ ******

********

Nothing happens for a couple of weeks. Barba and Carisi dance around one another, both wanting desperately for the other to make a move. Sonny feels like it has to be Barba who makes it, because… Well, he doesn’t really understand why, just knows it does. Rafael has no confusion about motives; he knows he’s too afraid to make a move, so it has to be Carisi who does it.  


********

And then comes the night during the Jerome Jones case when Barba drops by the squad room to check in on how the interrogation is going. Sonny takes one look at him in his tuxedo and wants to murder whoever his date for the play had been. He finds himself instantly and uncontrollably furious at a complete stranger, and fiercely glad that whoever it was is less important to Barba than this case.  


********

Worse, much worse, he’s violently angry with Barba. Barba, of whom Sonny’s been dreaming pretty much continuously for months, who almost kissed him the other night, and who has just been on a date with someone who is not him.  


********

The feeling’s so strong it scares Sonny, because this isn’t his usual hero crush. This is… He can barely restrain the rage-fueled, jealous comments that keep coming to his mind. It’s after midnight and he feels rumpled and wilted and insignificant, seeing the crisp tailoring of Barba’s impeccable tux and his still-perfect hair, and knowing how special his date must be to deserve all that.  


********

“Well, Counselor, we’re honored you could spare us a few minutes. Make sure not to touch anything, wouldn’t want you to get any of the real world on that tux.”  


********

Barba blinks. _What the hell was that?_ He’s never heard that tone in Carisi’s voice before and he’s surprised at his visceral reaction to it. So surprised, in fact, that he can’t respond.  


********

Fortunately, Amaro steps into the breach, having no idea there’s more than ribbing going on. “ _Hamilton_ , huh? Who’d you have to screw to get those tickets?”  


********

Carisi’s wondering the same thing – hard – but he fervently hopes Barba won’t answer. He tries to match Fin’s easy grin, but he knows he can’t help wearing his emotions on his face, so he excuses himself to go do something entirely unnecessary elsewhere.  


********

He’s still livid and hurt – as if he has any right to that – when he hears Barba start to give instructions that he really needs to hear. Reluctantly, Sonny gets up from his desk, where he’s been unnecessarily organizing his email for the last twenty minutes, and goes over to stand next to Amaro. He notices the complicated looks he’s getting from Barba, but reads only contempt into them.  


********

After Barba finishes giving them instructions, Carisi stands there watching as he heads back out. The rapidity of his visit and departure suggests that maybe the date’s not over after all. Maybe the guy’s just waiting for him in the corner of an upscale, candlelit bar. Or, God forbid, in bed.  


********

He feels actual physical pain at the thought. Sonny wants to run after Barba and apologize, to bare his heart and beg Barba to give him a chance. Or maybe he wants to hide. There’s no way Sonny Carisi would ever be able to compete with taking Barba to a show you had to know God to get tickets to. And dates with Sonny most definitely don’t involve tuxedos. Rafael Barba isn’t exactly the type to settle for pizza and beer. He doesn’t have to.  


********

Suddenly, this crush isn’t so much fun anymore.

********

Rafael’s ashamed. He can’t deny the thrill he’d felt when he realized that he had an opportunity to show off his tux to Carisi, with a perfectly valid excuse. He stands waiting for the elevator, cheeks burning as the hopes he’d been ruthlessly ignoring come to the forefront of his consciousness. He keeps changing position and shaking his head, trying hard not to groan out loud as he taunts himself with what he now realizes were ridiculous, unbelievably vain, expectations. He’d thought he would get to see that look on Carisi’s face. The one that makes Barba feel at least a little like the man Carisi seems to think he is. Or at least he used to. Rafael has no idea why, but Carisi was definitely not impressed with his appearance tonight. 

********

The next day, Rafael lets his head fall onto his desktop after he hangs up with Olivia. Jerome Jones is dead. Killed on video by the father of the girl SVU arrested him for allegedly raping. This is a fucking disaster; Jones was already suing the city for over thirty million dollars for wrongful arrest in another case. If he turns out to be innocent of this crime, too, his estate is going to take the city for nine figures.  


********

That’s bad. Very bad. But Rafael’s well aware that the weight that’s suddenly descended upon him is more about having to face Carisi after Rafael’s spectacular fail the night before. Still, he has to go to the Precinct. He has to see the video of Jones being coerced into a confession, after which he dies from the resulting asthma attack. Which means he has to see Carisi.

********

It’s worse than Rafael feared. Carisi is acting like nothing happened, and he’s wearing a royal blue shirt that makes his eyes practically luminous. Rafael wants to drown in the way he looks. He wants to bask in the warmth of Carisi’s attention, now that it’s back. 

********

_Oh, Rafael is so screwed._  


********

The video is horrific. Despite the obvious fact that the victim’s father didn’t intend to kill Jones, the man died as a result of being kidnapped, restrained, and threatened with a nail gun. Rafael observes, “Luke Davis is looking at felony murder.”  


********

Here’s Sonny’s chance. He acted like a jealous teenager the night before, and he’s been trying all afternoon to make up to Barba for that. He thinks it might possibly be working; at least Barba’s talking to him. If he can get in a little demonstration of his legal knowledge…  


********

“You think?” Sonny challenges. “You do know the defendant gets a free pass if can show he acted under extreme emotional duress.”  


********

Barba’s reaction is exactly as Sonny should’ve expected. He doesn’t miss a beat as he replies, “Booyah Fordham Law.”  


********

Sonny _should have_ expected it, but he didn’t. It’s not a joke. Not this time, Sonny’s sure of it. It’s a rebuke, a reminder that Sonny’s been a fool to presume… He can do nothing but back away, crushed, shaking his head in defeat. Luckily, the rest of the squad piles on to the point where, just before leaving, Barba snaps at all of them, “Thanks for the support, if you come to the arraignment, keep your mouths shut.”  


********

Sonny’s confused and miserable, although he tells himself that’s stupid. Barba didn’t treat him any differently than he has a million times before, reacting to his legal opinions with dismissive snark. Sonny’s probably just oversensitive after seeing Barba on an obvious date the night before. It’s just, Sonny had been dumb enough to let himself think Barba might be starting to take him a little bit seriously. To think there was a possibility that Barba might actually be attracted to someone like him.

********

_Where the hell does Carisi get off challenging him in front of the squad_ , Rafael thinks. Sure, the whole squad’s giving him shit, but that’s just the usual. They want to see a bad guy get put away. But Carisi, having the gall to challenge him in his own wheelhouse, assuming he’s somehow unaware of the affirmative defenses to felony murder! At this moment, Rafael doesn’t know whether he wants to slap him or fuck him blind.  


********

**_____________________________________________**

********

The evidence shows that Jerome Jones isn’t guilty. Once again, Rafael has to meet with the team in the squad room, and thank God today Carisi’s not wearing that distracting blue shirt. He is, however, wearing a very nice jacket and tie. Rafael thinks he might compliment him on it. Not to flirt, of course, because whatever attraction he might have imagined Carisi felt for him, it seems to have worn off. He just wants to use positive reinforcement to help Carisi dress better. But then, during the strategy session, Rafael wonders aloud if the victim might have been raped elsewhere than the convenience store they’d been assuming was the scene of the crime.  


********

Carisi bites his head off. His posture, the near-sneer on his face Rafael’s never seen before, tell Rafael how done Carisi is with him. Carisi says a bunch of other things, but all Rafael hears amid the cacophony in his head is, “You’re grasping at straws.”  


********

Rafael feels like he’s been slapped. _So that’s it._ Carisi’s crush hasn’t just worn off. The scales have apparently fallen from Carisi’s eyes in a major way, and he’s no longer impressed with Rafael. And he’s not just unimpressed. He’s contemptuous. Rafael’s voice goes small as they finish the conversation. The squad probably assumes it’s horror at the idea that the victim’s father has killed an innocent man. It isn’t.  


********

**________________________________________**

********

And the hits just keep on coming. The victim’s uncle turns out to be the rapist, which is a nightmare, given that the uncle has been a consultant for the DA’s office, among his other meritorious endeavors. Rafael’s laying that out, wincing with anticipatory misery at the fight he has on his hands to convince a jury a guy like that could rape his own niece. Despite Rafael’s obvious upset, Carisi just has to pile on.  


********

He leans on Liv’s desk, talking to her as though Rafael’s not in the room. “Not to mention that he’s testified in dozens of cases. If he’s a rapist, all those convictions come back into question.”  


********

“Yeah, not to mention that,” Rafael drawls, his voice dripping with condescension as he locks eyes with Carisi. _Damn him._ Rafael feels like he’s in seventh grade again, having gathered his courage and asked Emilia Cervantes to dance, only to have her reject him utterly, then mock him for his feelings.  


********

Sparks fly between them as they scowl at one another, for the first time displaying actual, open hostility.  
Liv looks from one to the other, keeping her face neutral as she continues the conversation. Finally, she sends Carisi and Amaro to work on the uncle. They need his DNA.  


********

Rafael begins to get up from the chair in front of her desk once they leave, but Liv stops him. “You want to tell me what that was about?”  


********

“What are you talking about?”  


********

“Really, Rafa? Because it’d probably be less of a thing if you just acknowledged it.”  


********

Rafael sighs and relaxes back into his chair as he prepares to lie his ass off. “Don’t tell me Carisi doesn’t get to you sometimes. All that eager pushiness? I’m sorry if you’re disappointed in me, losing my temper with him. I just hate this case.”  


********

Olivia takes a moment to study him. He manages to stay still and meet her gaze. “You sure that’s all it is?”  


********

“Of course.”  


********

“OK. Just know that you can talk to me, if you want. I may be his Lieutenant, but I’m your friend. I can keep the two separate.”  


********

“I’ll try to be more patient with him, Liv. But it wouldn’t matter who it was, I don’t like being second guessed.”  


********

“That’s not what that was, and you know it. You know Carisi’s always had you on a pedestal. He’s trying to impress you.” Liv smirks fondly.  


********

Rolling his eyes, Rafael gets up and gathers his things. “Whatever. I need to go explain to my bosses why Jerome Jones’s death isn’t my fault. Wish me luck.”  


********

Olivia lets the subject, and Rafael, go. But she’s not fooled. She’s going to need to be vigilant here. As cute as Barba and Carisi would be together, and as good as she thinks they’d be for each other, she’s been around a long time. She knows a powder keg when she sees one.

********

**________________________________________**

********

After that, Barba and Carisi barely speak to one another. Everyone notices. Amanda’s the first one to say something to Sonny. One afternoon, in line at the coffee truck outside the Precinct House, she asks, “So what’s the deal with you and Barba? You used to idolize him. Now it’s like he spit on your shoes.”  


********

Amanda doesn’t miss the look of shock on Sonny’s face. She’s too good a detective, and she knows him too well.  


********

“I just don’t like the guy’s style, I guess.”  


********

“Since when? You used to act like he was Elvis. What happened?”  


********

Sonny shrugs. “I dunno. One too many put-downs, maybe. Anyway, it’s nothing. Sorry if I’m makin’ things weird around him. I’ll try to be more professional.”  


********

“Oh, come on, Carisi, this is me you’re talking to. I’m not telling you to be more professional. I just thought you might wanna talk about it is all.”  


********

“Nothin’ to talk about. Barba’s Barba. I can handle him.”  


********

Amanda’s face is as readable to Sonny as his is to her. He knows before she opens her mouth what she’s going to say.  
“Look, I’ve had my share of crushes. I’m not gonna judge you. I’m trying to be a friend.”  


********

“Oh, you think I have a crush on Barba?” Sonny smiles. “Maybe I had a little hero worship goin’ for him there for a while. But a crush? No.”  


********

“OK. Just know that you can talk to me, if you want.”  


********

“Thanks, Rollins,” Sonny says, kind of wishing he could confide in her. “I need any advice about Barba, you’ll be the first to know.”  


********

Sonny knows talking about it won’t help. He’s been down that road before, and all it does is keep the crush alive. He’s just gotta get over it.

********

**________________________________________**

********

For weeks it’s like that. Rafael misses whatever weird Karate Kid relationship he had with Carisi, and he knows it. He’s finally admitted to himself that whatever caused Carisi to pull away from him, it hurts, and he can’t seem to stop himself from taking that hurt out on Carisi by belittling him. He correctly suspects that, every time he does, he makes things worse. He can see his jabs land; one of Carisi’s most endearing features is the way he can’t hide anything he feels.  


********

Rafael’s done a lot of thinking about Carisi lately. Not that he’s had a choice. Before the Jerome Jones case, he’d acknowledged (if only to himself and only after a couple of scotches) that he had undeniable feelings for Sonny Carisi. They aren’t going away. Especially after their near-kiss, Rafael wants to know what it would be like to really kiss Sonny. To go on a date with him, looking like he does, with all his admirable qualities and the way he makes Rafael feel without even trying...  


********

Rafael had almost convinced himself that it wasn’t entirely out of the realm of possibility for him to date Carisi. Maybe. Possibly. He’s sure it’s not a conflict of interest; they’re on the same side of cases. He also thinks Liv would be warily supportive.  
Now, though, he knows that Carisi’s reaction would be to give him the look he’d given him in Liv’s office the day Jerome Jones died. Once was enough. Rafael doesn’t want to see Carisi look at him like that again. Ever.

********

Sonny wishes he didn’t care. Wishes he could just let the barbed one-liners roll off of him like he used to. Instead, he feels every one of them. He knows Barba’s a snarky asshole. Hell, he used to like that about him. But Barba used to actually _talk_ to him sometimes. Maybe not man to man, but at least adult to adult. Now, the only things he gets from Barba are direct orders and scornful slights.  


********

And still he can’t seem to get Barba out of his head. He catches himself remembering the way Barba had looked at him that night in the bar. Imagining what they’d do on a date, how Barba would go about giving a goodnight kiss, what kind of noises Barba would make when he… When Sonny catches himself thinking like that, he’s harsh with himself, crushing any idea that such a thing could ever happen. Or even should. He knows this is just one of his hero crushes. It’s just… Sonny’s never had it this bad, or felt quite like this. 

********

**__________________________________________**

********

Nobody says anything more to either of them, because Barba and Carisi seem to be able to work well enough together when they have to. Fin puts it best one late evening after Carisi’s left for the night, looking like a deflated balloon. Fin mutters to Amaro across their desks, “Never thought I’d say this, but I kinda miss Carisi’s puppy act, followin’ Barba around and hangin’ on every word.”  


********

“I know what you mean,” Amaro agrees. “Seems like there’s something goin’ on there. It’s tense around the two of them now, but they never take their eyes off each other.”  


********

“Always thought it’d be easier havin’ a thing with a guy, ‘cause at least men make some kinda sense.”  


********

“Pretty sure relationships are fucked up, no matter who’s in ‘em.”  


********

“I heard that,” Fin says, going back to his paperwork. 

********

**__________________________________________ ******

************ ** **

Over the ensuing months, Barba and Carisi establish a working détente, although it’s ice cold and painfully formal. There’s a swirling lake of emotions underneath it – longing, hurt, disappointment – but they both think they’re the only one who feels anything. They avoid each other whenever possible. It’s just easier not having to be reminded of what they once believed could have been. Because try as they might, the attraction, the desire, just won’t go away.

************ ** **

The first crack in the ice comes when Carisi gets pistol whipped by another cop named Declan Murphy. It’s not even real, it’s all for show. SVU busts a prostitution ring at a super bowl party, and is surprised to find Murphy, their former boss, undercover. Murphy kind of has no choice about hitting Carisi, but tell that to Sonny’s bloody nose and black eye. And tell it to Rafael Barba, who is stunned out of his usual aloof stiffness by the sight of Sonny’s face beneath an ice pack.  


************ ** **

“Carisi, shit! Are you OK?” He cries, crossing the squad room to stand before Sonny, taking his shoulders in his hands so he can look closely.  


************ ** **

Sonny’s surprised, but he remains cool. “It’s nothin’. Don’t worry, I’ll still be able to testify next week.”  


************ ** **

“I don’t care about that, I care that you’re hurt. Have you been seen by a doctor? Do you need me to-“  


************ ** **

“Said it’s nothin’, Barba,” Sonny mutters and turns away.  


************ ** **

“Look, just…” Rafael moves quickly around him to get back in his face. He lowers his voice, but his tone is still intense. “Will you please just talk to me for one minute? Just long enough to answer the question? I need to know you’re OK.”  


************ ** **

Sonny blinks and fiddles with his ice pack for a moment. Rafael’s green eyes are filled with genuine concern, and his hands are on Sonny’s arms again. They’re warm, and his grip is gentle but, Sonny thinks, a little possessive. The idea causes his gut to swoop like he’s on a fast elevator. It’s nice. It feels like he used to feel when Barba paid attention to him, only Barba’s never looked at him like this before, and Sonny’s definitely never heard this tender note in his voice.  


************ ** **

“I am. I’m OK, Barba. It hurts, not gonna lie. But yeah, I got checked out by paramedics at the scene.”  


************ ** **

Barba takes a minute to check him over a bit more, but he’s relaxing. “You sure you don’t need anything?”  


************ ** **

“I’m sure. Thanks for, you know, your concern.”  


************ ** **

“I am concerned.”  


************ ** **

Sonny nods, and there’s a moment. A long moment, really, considering they’re practically chest to chest in a bustling police squad room, just standing there, eye to eye. Then Fin calls for Carisi, and the moment ends. But it happened, and something changes between them. They both know it.  


************ ** **

Neither says a word, of course, but it’s not long before they have a chance to test it. They’re in Barba’s office and the detectives are discussing a case. Carisi hypothesizes that the suspect’s actions amount to Assault three, and quotes the elements of that crime. He’s thinking about the case, not the situation, which is why he reflexively looks to Barba, saying, “Amirite, Counselor?”  


************ ** **

“Seldom,” Barba quips, and turns his attention immediately to Olivia, explaining what they’re going to need to make a case.  


************ ** **

Sonny should be mad. He should be hurt. But he’s not, and it’s because he can see the corners of Barba’s mouth quirking as he fights a grin. Sonny shakes his head in apparent annoyance, but he knows he’s blushing.  


************ ** **

Which Rafael can feel somewhere deep inside. It’s not exactly arousal, although that’s an element of it. It’s… amusement, and relief, and maybe just a little bit of hope. 

************ ** **

_Oh, how he’s missed this._

************ ** **

**________________________________________________ ******

**************** ** ** ** **

A few days later, Barba and Carisi find themselves walking down the street, deliberately keeping Benson between them. It’s bitterly cold, and they’re drinking coffee and arguing about the case. This one is personal for Carisi; the victim is his favorite author, a man he’s looked up to for quite some time. _Another hero_ , Rafael thinks to himself.  


**************** ** ** ** **

Olivia is saying, “We have checked every hospital in Manhattan. There’s no sign of Briggs.”  


**************** ** ** ** **

“It’s not kidnapping,” Barba says, taking a sip of hot coffee. “She’s his wife; she has the right to take him out of the hospital.”  


**************** ** ** ** **

“His daughters got a court order to visit him,” Carisi pipes up. “His wife’s in violation.”  


**************** ** ** ** **

Rafael doesn’t immediately have a snappy comeback for that one. “Has she denied them access?”  


**************** ** ** ** **

“They don’t know where he is,” Carisi admits.  


**************** ** ** ** **

_Aha._ “So, no.”  


**************** ** ** ** **

“She’s endangering her husband’s life,” Olivia huffs. “The doctors made that clear.”  


**************** ** ** ** **

“Yeah,” Carisi piles on, turning toward Barba as they stop on the sidewalk to continue their argument. “Plus the rape and assault charges are still under investigation.”  


**************** ** ** ** **

This one Rafael does have a snappy comeback for. “Barely. One of them’s a stretch, and the other one’s a chasm.”  


**************** ** ** ** **

“This is a sick old man being dragged across the city!” Carisi cries, his eyes sparking with righteous indignation. It takes Rafael’s breath away.  


**************** ** ** ** **

It’s like things used to be, with Barba and Carisi bickering across Olivia, and they’re all three thinking it.  


**************** ** ** ** **

In the end, Olivia simply announces that they’re going to keep investigating, to which Barba responds, “Knock yourselves out.”  


**************** ** ** ** **

And with that, Benson and Carisi head off down the street, leaving Rafael to watch them go. Or, rather, to watch _Sonny_ go. Rafael’s smiling like an idiot when his phone rings and he’s brought back to Earth when he sees it’s his _Mami_ calling.

**************** ** ** ** **

The author dies of a heart attack the next day. Following his autopsy, Benson and Carisi are in Barba’s office, once again arguing that his wife should be prosecuted for her treatment of him.  


**************** ** ** ** **

“Come on, Counselor. You know what we’re looking at here,” Carisi urges, leaning in so that Rafael can feel the little puffs of his breath as he shouts. “She tormented this guy, all right? The blue pills, the flight from the hospital…”  
And the thing is, Rafael agrees. Not only that, but he can, in that moment, see Carisi arguing just like this to a jury. And winning.  


**************** ** ** ** **

“It pains me to say this, but you’re right, Carisi.” It takes all of Rafael’s strength not to smile. “She killed him.”  


**************** ** ** ** **

Olivia would have had to be blind not to see the electricity that crackles between them as they stand, looking into each other’s eyes, Carisi breathing just a bit harder than normal from his outburst. She feels like maybe she shouldn’t be here right now, because if she wasn’t this moment would have ended with a kiss. She’s sure of it.

**************** ** ** ** **

She’s even more sure after the trial begins, when Barba comes to the Precinct House to let Olivia know that they’ve reached a plea agreement. Carisi, standing in her office glaring at Barba, is distraught that the wife will get only a year’s probation for what he sees as murdering a man he greatly respects.  


**************** ** ** ** **

Once again, Olivia might as well not be in the room, and wishes she wasn’t. Because this time, Carisi’s not as angry as he is disappointed and sad. He’s struggling, and the hurt in his blue eyes is hard to ignore. Olivia watches Barba actually start to lift his forearms – twice – as he restrains himself from comforting Carisi. Something’s gotta give here, it’s just a matter of time.  
But when Carisi leaves to go talk to the author’s daughter, it’s not him that Barba and Benson talk about. It’s Barba’s _Abuelita_ , whom he’s having to pressure to move out of an apartment she loves, but is simply no longer safe for her. Now it’s Barba whose eyes are full of pain, and it’s Olivia who wants to take him in her arms. It’s clear how much he loves his grandmother, and how difficult the situation is for him. Olivia sighs to herself. Too bad Carisi and Barba can’t comfort one another right now, when they’re both grieving.

**************** ** ** ** **

**________________________________________**

**************** ** ** ** **

The following evening, Rafael learns that his _Abuelita_ has died, peacefully on her bed in the apartment she loved. The pain is intense, the guilt even more so. At first, he’s able to concentrate on being there for his _Mami_. She’s just lost her own mother, and is struggling with the same guilt – maybe even more – that Rafael feels. He pushes his own grief to the side and does what he can to comfort her. It’s a long time before he can convince her to leave his _Abuelita’s_ apartment and let him take her to her own, where he gets a brandy into her and sits with her until she cries herself to sleep on her sofa.  


**************** ** ** ** **

Rafael covers his _Mami_ with a blanket and stands, just looking at her for a while. He pushed. She wanted to retire and care for her mother, and Rafael pushed her to look for a care facility instead. His _Mami_ thinks their threat of being forced into an assisted living apartment killed his _Abuelita_ , and Rafael knows she’s right. He also knows that it wasn’t “their” threat. It was his. His heart clenches and he heaves a soft sob, kisses his _Mami_ on the cheek, and lets himself out.  


**************** ** ** ** **

He’s sort of wandering aimlessly around his apartment, unable to alight anywhere for more than a few minutes. The swirl of guilt and grief is too fresh and powerful to even think about sleeping, although he knows he should go to bed. He’s just debating a second scotch when there’s a soft knock at his door.  


**************** ** ** ** **

He knew it. He should never have left his _Mami’s_ apartment. She probably only slept for half an hour, if that, before she was awake and hurting, just like he is, and there was no one there to comfort her. He pulls the door open quickly, an apology on the tip of his tongue.  


**************** ** ** ** **

But it’s not his _Mami_. It’s Sonny Carisi, wearing a peacoat and a complicated expression.

**************** ** ** ** **


	2. The World On A Silver Platter

“I hope I’m not intruding,” Sonny says quickly, but softly. “If you want me to go, that’s fine. I just… I lost my nana last year, and I was… I wished I had someone to talk to about it, but I didn’t, and I thought I was too old to be feeling the way I was, so I didn’t call anyone. She had a full life, and all that, I thought I shoulda just bucked up. But it woulda been nice to have a friend to talk to. Liv texted us that you lost your Abuelita tonight, so I’m just… You might not feel like I did, but I wanted to make the offer. I wished I’d had someone to do it for me.”

Rafael’s relief is almost instant. Even Carisi’s hapless overexplaining feels nice. He drinks in the sure solidity of Carisi right now, and that thoughtfulness that Rafael suddenly realizes he envied Rollins for receiving. It’s like sliding down into a hot bath after walking home in the freezing rain. It takes Rafael completely off-guard, shattering the last of the fragile hold he has on his grief, and he feels a sob torn from his throat. It’s not loud, but the effect it has on both of them is profound. 

Sonny reaches out an arm to clasp Rafael’s shoulder, leans down and tilts his head so he can look into Rafael’s face. Whatever he sees there makes him step closer and tentatively reach out the other arm, resting his hand on Rafael’s biceps. He’s asking a question. He’s requesting permission. And Rafael jerks his head, inviting him in. He looks down and turns to the side, not meeting Carisi’s eyes while he steps back and gives him room to come in. Sonny lets his hands fall and steps inside. When he does, Rafael closes the door, flipping the locks partly out of habit, and partly to give himself a second. 

“Thanks,” he says quietly as he turns to Carisi. 

Carisi just shrugs. 

“I was just going to have a drink. Join me?”

“Sure. What are we drinking?”

“I’m drinking scotch. But I have-“

“Scotch is fine.”

Pouring their drinks gives Rafael another moment to collect his thoughts. He believes what Carisi said about his reasons for being here. The trouble is, now that Carisi _is_ here, wearing a black Henley and well-worn jeans, Rafael realizes what he needs, and it isn’t to talk. He also knows – he doesn’t know how he knows, but he’s certain – that Carisi is just waiting for a signal. 

Rafael hands Carisi a tumbler, and they clink glasses. 

“To your _Abuela_.”

Rafael smiles sadly and keeps his eyes on Carisi’s as they sip. 

“You want to sit down?” He asks.

“Yeah,” Sonny answers, and follows Barba’s lead to the sofa. It’s long and grey, covered in some kind of tweedy fabric that somehow seems to Sonny very appropriate for a sofa of Barba’s. “I like your place.”

“Thanks.” Barba huffs a little, mirthless laugh. “I got lucky. It belonged to a friend who left the City just when I transferred from Brooklyn.”

It’s pretty small, about the size of Sonny’s place, but it’s clear that Barba hasn’t furnished his apartment with family castoffs. There are a few pieces of furniture, like the heavy oak dining table on one side of the main room, that might have been inherited. Unlike Sonny’s apartment, though, everything looks like it goes together. It’s very Barba. There are a ton of books everywhere, and Sonny makes a mental note to check out what Barba reads sometime soon. But not right now.

“You wanna talk about your _Abuelita_?” 

Rafael sighs and leans back. “I’m not very proud of the way the story ends.”

He’s impressed when Carisi simply takes a sip of scotch, rather than pop out with some platitude. 

“I tried to move her to a home. She didn’t want to go. I didn’t give her a choice. Guess she made one, anyway. Joke’s on me.”

“She didn’t…”

“No, no. Nothing like that. She just laid down on her bed and… that was it.”

Carisi hums quietly in understanding. “What was she like?”

And for the next fifteen or twenty minutes, they finish their drinks while Rafael tells Carisi about his _Abuelita_. Her strength, her complete ability to find happiness in the simplest things, and her unshakable belief in her children and grandchildren. He tells Carisi that she’s the reason he found the guts to pursue his dream of going to college, the only reason he would ever have presumed to apply to Harvard Law. And to his shock, Rafael finds himself smiling as he tells Carisi a couple of anecdotes that let him know just what a huge hole she’s left in the world. 

He would never have believed he’d be smiling tonight, or that he would feel warm inside, instead of the slithery, cold self-loathing he’d been fighting when Carisi knocked on his door. Which is how he realizes that Carisi has, once again, demonstrated that there’s a great deal more to him than meets the eye. He’d simply ignored Rafael’s insistence that he’d been the cause of his _Abuelita’s_ unhappy end. Instead, he’d steered him to happy stories. 

Carisi couldn’t have known he’d show Rafael that his _Abuelita_ was far too strong and positive a woman to simply give up like he’d thought. Yet, simply by being Carisi, he had helped Rafael to see the situation more clearly. She hadn’t given up. She’d simply died the way she’d lived. Gracefully. Making the best of whatever came her way. And knowing without question that she was loved. 

Rafael never breaks down completely, but he lets his tears fall when they come, and he’s impressed once again at how comfortable and accepting of his grief Carisi is. It’s why Rafael can be comfortable himself, letting it show. It’s also why he lets Carisi put an arm around his shoulder at some point, and why he leans into Carisi’s side. And it’s why, when he’s talked out, Rafael tips his head up and, when Carisi turns to look at him, Rafael places a light, dry kiss on his lips. 

Sonny isn’t surprised and doesn’t stiffen or pull back. He just kisses Rafael back the same way he’s being kissed. And when Rafael shifts position so that he can kiss Sonny more deeply, Sonny rolls with that, too. For a minute. 

But then, they seemingly realize at the same time what’s happening. Rafael tenses. Sonny doesn’t. 

He gently smooths his hand down the back of Barba’s hair and leaves it there, slightly changing the angle of his head so that he can fit his lips more closely to Barba’s. He nips ever-so-slightly at Barba’s bottom lip and, when Barba gasps lightly, flicks the tip of his tongue against the space between his lips. 

Rafael opens to him, an electrical storm surging through his body. He doesn’t even know he’s arching his back to press his chest to Sonny’s, but Sonny does. Sonny takes the opportunity to tighten his arm around Barba, because this is actually _happening_ , and it’s not why he came over here, but Barba kissed him first, and he is damn well going to kiss Rafael Barba until Barba or the end of the world stops him. 

Barba’s not stopping him, though. Barba’s expertly, if tentatively, exploring Sonny’s tongue with his own. Sonny shifts his hips just enough to give his hardening cock a little room. There’s no sound but their labored breathing and the soft, wet noises of their mouths moving together. Under the scotch, Sonny tastes just the slightest spiciness in Barba’s kiss, and it’s so perfect he lets out a needier moan than he’d expected.

Rafael pulls his lips from Sonny’s, looking into Sonny’s face with a sudden wrinkle in his forehead. “You okay?”

Sonny laughs quietly in relief and strokes Rafael’s hair. “I’m here, kissing you. Okay doesn’t quite cover it.” 

“Are you… Does that mean you want this?”

“Oh, hell yeah.”

The edge of Rafael’s mouth quirks up and the frown smooths. “Good.”

“But, um… It’d be good if we decided where we’re goin’ with this. I don’t really know if we’re just making out, or…”

“What do you want?” 

Sonny’s always thought Barba has a bedroom voice, but hearing Rafael’s _actual_ bedroom voice, directed at him, makes him need to shift in his jeans again. The surge of hormones that hits him as he looks at the frank invitation in Barba’s face and feels Barba’s hands on his hips overrides everything else, and Sonny hears himself say, “I want to take you to bed. I want… you.”

“Good,” Barba says again, and his hungry mouth is on Sonny’s. He’s more aggressive now, which Sonny thinks is probably more like his usual approach, when he’s not being careful because it’s the first time. 

He kisses Sonny for a while longer, hands starting to roam over Sonny’s chest and arms, before taking his hand. He gets up from the sofa, pulling at Sonny’s hand in invitation. Sonny stands and follows him into the bedroom, where they bare only their feet before settling down in the middle of Rafael’s bed, facing one another.

“I told you I want this,” Sonny murmurs. “But I need to know I’m not taking advantage of you here. Grief can make people do things…”

Rafael puts a finger to Sonny’s sinfully inviting lips, visible in the light they’ve left on in the living room. “Thank you. For asking. And for being here at all. You can trust me when I tell you that I’m on board here. I know what I’m doing, and I’m not going to regret it.”

“Okay,” Sonny breathes, kissing the tip of Rafael’s finger. 

Rafael takes that as the sweet, affectionate gesture it’s meant to be, and thinks that he’s in for some very tender lovemaking with Sonny. 

But not tonight. Tonight he needs to fuck.

He traces Sonny’s lips in the way he’s wanted to for what seems like years, and tells him so. “I want you naked. I want every inch of you.”

Sonny’s probably flushing, but he’s also enthusiastically cooperating as Rafael pulls his clothes off, fast and rough. It’s a relief to Sonny to get his fully hard cock out of the constraining space of his jeans. Barba’s hands are everywhere, and so are his eyes. It makes it hard for Sonny to get Rafael’s light sweater off, but Rafael at least absently helps a little, swatting his clothes off like they’re in his way. 

Which they are. 

Rafael scoots his hips closer to Sonny and braces a hand against Sonny’s chest. With his other hand he strokes, warm and sure, down Sonny’s flank to his hip, then drags his fingers in toward Sonny’s erection. Sonny just closes his eyes and surrenders to the sensation, groaning low and dirty when Rafael wraps his hand around him. 

“I knew you’d be beautiful,” Rafael murmurs, before beginning to reposition himself, pushing at Sonny’s hip to make him roll onto his back.

Sonny groans again. Not only because, unbelievably, Barba is stroking his dick and about to put his mouth on him, but because of what he said. He’s imagined this. Rafael Barba has imagined Sonny’s dick. And, apparently, in a very favorable light.

When he’s in position, lips inches from Sonny’s straining, rock-hard cock, Rafael looks up with a thoughtful expression overlaying his clear lust. “Still yes?”

“Still hell yes. Holy shit,” Sonny hisses. Rafael gives that smile, the one that’s always made Sonny’s dick twitch no matter the situation, before leaning down to place an open-mouthed kiss on Sonny’s shaft. 

From there, it’s kind of a blur for Sonny. He’s determined not to come yet, although with the things Barba’s doing with his tongue and his lips, it would be so, so easy. Barba’s mouth is hot, and the way he flicks the tip of his tongue across Sonny’s slit as he swirls around his head is enough to blow the top of Sonny’s head clean off. Sonny’s actually panting, little whimpers with every exhale, although he’s so laser-focused, he can’t hear himself. He’s got one hand pushed against the headboard of Barba’s bed – holy crap, he’s in _Barba’s bed_ – and the other is pulling at his own hair to distract just enough from the exquisite pleasure of Barba’s mouth so he won’t come. 

“Wait, I… I’m too… Fuck, Barba, you’re gonna make me come if you don’t quit that.”

Rafael looks up again, and he’s smug as fuck. “Is that what you want? You want me to make you come like this?”

“Yeah. Fuck yeah, but not this time. This time, I wanna fuck you. I wanna come in you.”

Now it’s Rafael who’s groaning obscenely. He takes a moment to shake his head a little and take a deep breath before lifting up onto his knees and sliding off the end of the bed. Sonny just has time to realize he’s sprawled, naked and sweaty, with a desperate hard on, waiting for Rafael Barba to emerge from his bathroom with lube and condoms, because they’re going to fuck. Are in the midst of fucking. Whatever.

“How do you want to do this?” Rafael asks when he’s lying half on top of Sonny again, and has kissed him deeply as though he’d been out of the room for even a whole minute. 

Sonny lifts up and turns them so they’re on their sides, facing one another again. “Gimme,” he says, grinning as he reaches for the lube. Barba gives it to him with a wicked smile.

Sonny slides his hand down Rafael’s body and, when he gets to his thigh, pulls Rafael’s leg onto his own hip. He looks into Rafael’s eyes as he lubes up his fingers, sliding them around to warm the slick a little. Rafael feels pre-come escape from his cock and rubs it experimentally against Carisi’s. _Oh, yeah. That’s good._ He feels like every time Carisi’s looked at him flirtatiously should have prepared him for the pure, filthy smolder he’s getting now. It hasn’t. Rafael needs to be careful with the way he’s rutting against Sonny’s cock, or he’s going to come from that look alone.

There’s no telling how experienced Carisi might be, but he’s either very practiced or very intuitive. Sonny preps Rafael so well and thoroughly that he’s basically been edging him for fifteen minutes before Rafael’s finally forced to utter a strained, “ _Please_.”

That’s when Sonny reaches for the condom. Rafael realizes with a gasp that his desperate plea is what Sonny’s been waiting for. Working for. _Holy fuck_.

So much for Rafael being Carisi’s hero. Carisi’s got Rafael completely in his thrall, and he hasn’t even fucked him yet. Rafael wants this to last forever.

“How do you want me?” Sonny murmurs throatily when the condom’s in place.

“Fuck, any way I can get you,” Rafael begs. “Every way.”

Sonny grins, but doesn’t gloat, just slides in between Rafael’s legs and kisses him while he pulls Rafael’s knees up. He starts to tease Barba’s hole with his cock, but Sonny knows for a fact he’s not going to be able to do that for long. Into a wet, gasping kiss, he whispers, “Say yes if you want me to fuck you.”

“Yes! Fuck, yes…”

And Sonny’s pushing against Rafael’s well-lubed entrance, so open and relaxed that it takes only a few, spectacularly satisfying thrusts before Sonny’s fully inside Rafael.

“Sonny… shit…”

“Yeah, that’s it. Oh, yeah, you feel so perfect, Rafael.”

Sonny pumps into Rafael as slowly as he can, trying to drag this out, but they’re both engulfed in desire and it feels so fucking good that he’s actually a little relieved when Rafael makes it clear he’s about to lose control. “You gonna come for me?”

“Is that… what you want?” Rafael pants.

“Yeah. Wanna see you come with my dick inside you, know it’s me makin’ you feel that.”

Rafael’s going to be a little embarrassed when he remembers that those few thrusts, and those few words, are all it takes. He lets out a half-groan, half-shout as he explodes all over them both in hot spurts so intense they’re just on the margin of pain. Whatever that sound is Sonny’s making, Rafael decides he wants to hear it again and again forever. It’s like an echo of something he’s been listening for his whole life. 

Sonny has to grit his teeth and concentrate to keep fucking Rafael through his orgasm instead of giving in to his own. Somehow, despite the pornographic image permanently seared into his brain of Barba, entirely undone and helplessly consumed by his climax, he manages. But all Rafael has to do is exert a little pressure where his hands are on Sonny’s ass and cant his hips just a bit, and Sonny understands. He begins an entirely selfish rhythm. He slides hotly in and out of Rafael, trying not to pound but with very little control left, until he’s blasted from within by a white-hot spasm of pleasure that goes on and on and on while he makes God only knows what kind of sounds. 

Rafael’s head is thrown back on the pillow, brow sweaty as he regains his breath. Sonny’s forehead is on Rafael’s chest while he does the same. He no longer holds Rafael’s thighs apart, and Rafael’s thrown one leg exhaustedly over Sonny’s calves. The other sprawls to the side. They don’t say anything for a few moments, only grunt a little as Sonny pulls carefully out and deals with the condom.  
It’s Rafael who pulls Sonny to him, Rafael who’s holding Sonny and playing with his hair where Sonny’s head lies heavily on his chest. Sonny thinks this is home. It has to be. He’s never wanted to be any place more than he’s wanted to be right here, and he never wants to leave. He grins to himself, thinking that he’s fucked Rafael Barba now, and nothing can ever change that.

Sonny falls asleep, still wearing a silly grin. It takes Rafael a little longer. He has a few more tears to shed for his _Abuelita_ and his _Mami_. He also needs to think about what he’s supposed to do about this man in his arms. Because Carisi is… _Ugh._ Sonny is under Rafael’s skin in a way he never even suspected. His gawkiness and puppy-like eagerness have long since become adorable, and Rafael’s already acknowledged that, now that he really knows him, he genuinely likes and respects Carisi. And since Sonny shaved off that misbegotten mustache, the heat he’s felt has only grown over time, until it’s an inferno now. He may be closer to fifty than forty, but Rafael’s cock is already telling him to take a nap and then wake Sonny back up. 

Who could have predicted, when they met, that Carisi would seduce him so easily, and be so completely charming and kind while fucking him to within an inch of his life? This isn’t going away. Rafael is going to have to figure out how Sonny fits into his life. Because Sonny _is_ in his life now. And if Rafael has his way, he’s staying.

Waking up with another person has always been one of Rafael’s least favorite things. This morning is no different. He blinks his eyes open and instantly remembers. Partly because Carisi’s entire body is pressed against his, and he’s overly warm. He can feel Sonny stirring. When he hears the first soft grunts of awakening, Rafael opens his mouth to complain, but stops himself for two reasons. First, Sonny slides his warm hand from Rafael’s hip around to his abdomen to pull him closer, and Rafael realizes that Sonny is awake. He’s doing it intentionally, consciously. That thought feels… kind of nice. Second, Rafael realizes belatedly where they are in his bed. They’re distinctly on Carisi’s side, which means that Rafael is the one who snuggled up to Sonny. Rafael’s not sure how to feel about that.

“’Morning,” Sonny breathes into Rafael’s ear, sending hot chills all down his spine. 

_Oh, shit._ Now he’s nibbling on Rafael’s neck. Rafael thinks he should be upset or something. He should pull away with a quip that will put some emotional distance between them along with the physical. But his dick, ever disloyal, has already progressed from morning wood to definitely interested. 

And so has Sonny’s. 

Sonny’s more than a little relieved when, instead of throwing him out on his ear for presuming to still be here this morning, Barba arches his back and lifts his head to give him better access. He presses the curve of his ass against Sonny and doesn’t just let him grind against him, but _encourages_ him to. Rafael even pushes Sonny’s hand down toward his cock, which Sonny finds is clearly on board with this plan. He smiles into Barba’s jawline as he continues to lay down what he hopes is a searing line of kisses.

He must be doing something right, because Rafael turns to him and begins ravishing his mouth. He knows, intellectually, that he has morning breath, and so does Rafael. But damn, he doesn’t care, because Rafael doesn’t seem to, and he’s kneeling over Sonny now, and then he’s positioning them and there’s still plenty of lube left from the last time… 

Sonny doesn’t think about anything after that. He just feels. 

The awkwardness Rafael was expecting to avoid by being dismissive doesn’t happen. He forgets to feel awkward or be dismissive, actually, because he’s too blissed out on endorphins. He lets Sonny cuddle him for a few minutes, and even cuddles back, telling himself it’s just good manners. Another reason it’s not awkward is that, miracle of miracles, Carisi turns out to be quiet in the morning. All he says (after the brain-meltingly filthy things he hissed in Rafael’s ear while they were fucking) is, “I know we gotta get up. Just let’s stay here for a minute, though. Okay?”

Rafael draws the line at showering together. He gallantly offers Sonny the opportunity to shower first, which Sonny does, even though he has to put the same clothes back on and do the walk of shame home. While Rafael’s making coffee, he thinks about what he’s supposed to say when Carisi gets out of the shower. What he wants to say is that Sonny should pack a bag and stay over tonight, too. But he doubts he has the courage to just come out with it. How well does he really know Carisi, anyway? Maybe he’s a lot more casual about sex than Rafael is. Maybe he doesn’t actually feel anything for Rafael at all. Maybe when Rafael kissed him, Carisi just thought,  
“Why not?” 

His thoughts are interrupted when Carisi emerges from the bedroom, toweling off his hair. He looks years younger without it carefully gelled into submission, as it usually is. He looks _delicious_.

Rafael hands him a steaming mug. _Ah, yes. There’s that awkwardness._

“Thanks,” Carisi grins, seemingly somehow at ease in this entirely unprecedented situation between them. “That smells awesome.”

With a nod, Rafael takes another drink from his own mug. _It’s about to get weird._

Except that, when he finds that his coffee is still too hot to drink, Carisi says, “So, um… I take it you’re not mad at me for comin’ over last night. Not sorry for letting me stay?”

He must not be as calm as he looks, because his voice is adorably unsure. 

“I don’t regret a thing,” Rafael bites out, snippy like he’s saying something mean. But then he hears that note in his own voice, gathers his nerve and says, “It was thoughtful of you to come check on me. And I’m… glad that we… that you stayed.”

The tentativeness as Rafael says that last sentence is a little unsettling for Sonny. He’s never heard Barba say anything with less than absolute certainty. It gives Sonny yet another set of shivers in a morning Rafael’s already filled with them, and it also gives him just enough nerve. “Would you… I mean, I don’t know if me stayin’ over means anything, but I, um, wonder… I mean, would you want to see me again? You know, like, a date?”

Even though Sonny’s the one who broached the subject, it still takes guts for Rafael to respond. When he does, though, he looks Sonny in the eye and his voice is steady. “I would. Yes.”

Sonny breaks into a blinding smile. He’s so shocked and exhilarated by the way Rafael’s looking at him that he doesn’t even notice his own expression. What he knows is that he’s standing in Barba’s kitchen, they’ve had great sex together, and Barba’s giving him a sexy, approving smile and agreeing to a date. Nothing else in the world matters.

**_________________________________________________**

Sonny watches himself fall like a rock for Rafael. At first, like any new relationship, they have sex more than they talk, because they can’t keep their hands off one another. Their work relationship becomes easy again, except that they now have to learn how to compartmentalize. Fortunately, they are both good at that. Carisi has always been private about his romantic life, and Barba’s private about everything. Only Olivia Benson sees the change, but that’s because she’s been watching for it. 

By the time she asks Barba about it, knowing that she’d be on shaky legal ground if she asked Carisi, Barba and Carisi have been seeing each other for a month. That’s reassuring to Liv, because in that month, the only thing that has changed is that the tension between them has resolved. Barba is still prickly and snide, Carisi is still eager to please, and there is such a complete absence of flirtation or any other personal stuff that none of the other detectives even suspect. 

Olivia and Barba are in Liv’s office with the door closed. They haven’t resolved the argument they just had, but they have a plan, which is sometimes as good as it gets. Barba slouches in his chair as much as he ever allows himself to slouch and lets out a sigh. It’s after seven, and they can both go home now. 

“Buy me a drink?” She asks, pulling her hair back and heaving a weary sigh.

“Not rushing home to Noah?”

“I have time for a glass of wine. We need to catch up.”

“Olivia, my friend,” Rafael grins fondly. “I can see right through you.”

She lifts an eyebrow. “Oh?”

“You’re fishing.”

“Maybe. Have something to disclose, Counselor?”

“Funny you should use that particular word. But I’m not disclosing without a single-malt in my hand. Maxwell’s?”

“Not when you’re buying. Forlini’s.”

Rafael’s grin becomes a full smile and he stands, laying his coat carefully across his arm and picking up his briefcase. 

Forlini’s is only about half full, which means they’re seated right away in an out-of-the-way booth where they can talk in complete privacy. The thick, starchy, white tablecloth feels good under Rafael’s fingertips, and the soft lighting is soothing after a thirteen-hour day under industrial fluorescents. He knows Benson well enough to know that neither of those things are an accident. She loves the Barolo at Maxwell’s, and although he has no idea what it costs, he’d bet it’s no less expensive than the Nebbiolo she likes here. What she wanted was this cozy intimacy. Olivia Benson is nothing if not a skilled interrogator. 

He tells her all of that. She just laughs.

“I love you, Rafa, but I can also read you like a book after all this time. I don’t need to pump you for information. I could make your disclosure for you.”

“Really. Then, be my guest.”

Olivia tilts her head and grins like a cat watching a particularly clumsy mouse. “You’re in a relationship. With Carisi. You’re as surprised as anyone, but once it began, you realized it’s been brewing for a lot longer than you realized. He’s like a kid on Christmas, but he also likes to keep his love life private. So -“ 

The waiter arrives with their drinks, and she stops talking while he sets them down and they take their first sips. 

“How am I doing so far?”

“You don’t have to look so smug about it,” Rafael grumps.

“I’m not smug. I’m delighted. I’ve seen this coming since… Oh, I don’t know, Day One, maybe?”

“On Day One, there was a dead rat on his upper lip. It was impossible to see past it.”

“You’re not that superficial, are you?”

“Absolutely.”

“Good thing he’s gorgeous, then.”

“Now that the dead rat’s gone.”

Olivia shakes her head and laughs. She takes a long, appreciative drink of wine.

“So, go ahead and continue with my disclosure,” Rafael encourages, smirking and toasting her with his scotch. “You’re doing fine.”

“Okay. It’s new. I’m guessing a few weeks. Long enough that you’re past the ‘fling’ stage, heading toward ‘dating.’ Which you refuse to acknowledge, although Carisi has called you his boyfriend at least twice.”

“Which I didn’t take well.”

“Of course you didn’t. But he used those dimples, and the next thing you knew, you were trying it out in your head.”

“Okay, you’re starting to freak me out now.”

Olivia gets more serious then, leaning in and resting on her elbows with her wineglass in both hands before her. “Now you. I want to hear what you have to say.”

“What I have to say…” Rafael exhales loudly as he thinks about that. “I would never have made a move, I don’t think. Makes him braver than I am, which should surprise nobody.”

“How’d it start? Did he ask you out?”

When Rafael takes a long sip, Olivia lets loose a gleeful burst of laughter. “My life is complete! I have now seen Rafael Barba blush. Don’t tell me how it started. If it’s enough to make you blush, I can guess what happened, and I’m not old enough to hear that story.”

“No, you are not.”

“Okay, so tell me something else. How long, exactly, has it been going on? Are you having fun?”

“I am having fun, yes. And so is he, I think.”

“And…?”

“And, I don’t know! It’s new. It’s odd. I don’t know what I’m _doing_ with a man who baked a cake for our one-month anniversary.”

“So it’s been a month.”

“And a week, yes.” 

“Uh-oh. That sounded perilously close to smitten, Rafa.”

“Fine,” Rafael shrugs, gesturing with his tumbler. “I’m smitten. I’ll give you that. He’s pretty, and he’s funny and, in a surprise twist, he doesn’t talk too much in the morning. And you’d be shocked how smart he is.”

“No, I wouldn’t.”

Rafael likes that. “No, I don’t suppose you would. He doesn’t exactly hide it. But it’s easy to underestimate him at first. I did.”

“So did I. But Carisi’s one of the best detectives I’ve ever worked with, and when he talks prosecution, I listen. He’s empathetic, clever, knows when to get angry…”

“You sound like you’re recommending him for a job.”

“Not on your life. I want to keep him. But I do recommend him as a boyfriend. In fact, I kind of did.”

“I knew it! The Hodda trial!”

“You should be grateful. I had to bring in two replacements to cover. Tell me I’m not a great wingman.”

“You are an _outstanding_ wingman, Lieutenant. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” she says sincerely, and holds out her glass. He clinks it with his, and they finish the last of their drinks. “I expect you to name your firstborn after me. But right now, as happy as I am for you, I need to go home to _my_ firstborn.”

“Give him a kiss for me.”

“I will.”

“And tell him if he still has that elephant in a holding cell, the elephant needs to be arraigned. He has rights.”

“The elephant pled out. He’s on home detention.”

“Good for him.”

They embrace quickly before Olivia turns to leave. Rafael’s still smiling wistfully as he approaches the bar to pay the tab. 

Liv decides that all she needs to do is keep her eyes open. After all, she gives herself most of the credit for Barba and Carisi being together at all. 

**___________________________________________________**

Life as a couple is the same, and different. Carisi’s job still keeps him working insane hours, while Barba continues to be a workaholic. One thing that does change for them is that they keep up a text conversation whenever they aren’t together. It isn’t voluminous, but it is steady. Sonny’s shocked, in the best possible way, to find that Barba’s cynicism and snark hide a deeply romantic soul. His texts are bitingly clever, as Sonny had expected. He doesn’t shy away from gently teasing Sonny by text any more than he does in person. But he also texts Sonny every morning they don’t wake up together, simply to say good morning so that Sonny will know Rafael is thinking of him. Not surprisingly, Barba never uses emojis, nor does he abbreviate words, and he harasses Sonny endlessly when he does it. So Sonny does it on purpose. 

Another thing that changes is that Sonny spends much more time in Rafael’s apartment than he does in his own. Whenever they can be, they’re together. In the beginning, they’re making up for years of yearning. Over time, however, it just becomes so right that they forget to question it. Somehow, without either of them planning it or seeing it happen, Rafael’s and Sonny’s lives just begin to blend. Both begin to work at home in the evenings instead of burning the midnight oil at the office and the Precinct. With the hours they work, neither have bustling social lives, or a large number of friends outside of work, which means that most of their friends already know them both, anyway. But they run into a few of their friends over time and, without exception, the introductions go well. 

****

The gradual disclosure of their relationship to their closest coworkers happens organically. Sonny’s squad catches on one by one, and when they discover how long their relationship’s been going on, it somehow isn’t the big revelation it would be if the relationship was brand new. Which is not to say that Amanda Rollins isn’t furious. Sonny had finally told her he was seeing someone so she’d stop trying to fix him up with her friends, but had refused to tell her anything more than that, even when she asked point-blank whether it was Barba. When she finds out it is, she accuses him of being a shit friend and gives him the stink eye for three days straight. 

****

Carmen, of course, has known from pretty much the beginning. Carmen knows everything. Rafael never does actually tell her he’s seeing Carisi. Somewhere along the line, she’s just dropped enough hints that he understands she knows, and it becomes an accepted fact between them. 

Rita Calhoun knows now, too. She and Barba have drinks together at least once a month as well as occasional dinners. They’ve known each other since they were both up-and-coming prosecutors, and liked each other just as long, although not many who know them understand their friendship. People think it should be impossible, since Rita’s a cast iron bitch and Rafael’s a mouthy prick, but that’s actually the point. They get each other. And it’s not just because they know their verbal barbs for what they are: titanium shells safeguarding big, soft hearts. It’s also because they’re respectful and protective of each other’s big, soft hearts. Rafael knows for a fact that he’s the only person who’s seen Rita Calhoun cry in twenty years, and he trusts her with his most private self. Rafael loves Rita. She’s a great lawyer, and a better friend. 

She’s also done with his bullshit. It’s as plain as the nose on his face that he’s dating someone, and she knows him well enough to see it’s more than a casual thing. Rita wants answers. 

“Look, Barba, we can do this the easy way or the hard way. Trust me when I tell you, you won’t like the hard way.” 

“What are you talking about?” 

Rita barks a harsh, disbelieving laugh. “You used to be a better liar. Besides which, you’re dying to tell me about him. There’s no universe in which I leave here without knowing everything. So save us both some time and trouble. You’re seeing someone. Start talking.” 

“Fine,” Barba says, taking a drink of his excellent scotch. He wouldn’t have been willing to talk about it if they were still at the bar, but he was planning to tell her once they were seated in their usual booth, anyway. Still, he lets her think she’d intimidated him into it. 

He looks around at the bustling Friday night crowd and satisfies himself that it’s too loud and hectic for anyone to hear their conversation. They’re at the Damian Tavern, of course; they never go anywhere else. With its pressed-tin ceiling, dark beadboard paneling, and studded red leather upholstery, it does a pretty good job of impersonating a nineteenth-century classic New York City tavern. The floor is black and white checkerboard tiles, and there is barely an inch of empty space on the walls between the pastel drawings of well-known personages who have dined there. What Barba and Calhoun really like is the hearty, French-inspired menu. It’s overpriced, but they were barely scraping by on entry-level ADA pay when they met, and they like to remind themselves how far they’ve come. 

“You’re stalling, Barba.” 

He smiles at Rita, because he is stalling, and he doesn’t have to pretend with her. “All right. Yes. I’m seeing someone. I don’t know how it happened. It just did. But it’s… good.” 

“Permission to treat the witness as hostile,” Rita scoffs. “Facts, Barba. Information. The man has a name, I take it? Start there.” 

There’s a pregnant pause. 

“I take it that guilty silence means it’s someone I know.” 

“You do. Kind of.” 

“Barba! You finally got Detective Carisi into bed. Good for you, you filthy slut.” 

“Well, technically, I think it was him who got me into bed. But how’d you know-” 

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, you’ve had a thing for him forever. So how long has it been going on?” 

“Three months, give or take.” 

“He’s good to you?” 

“Better than I deserve.” 

“That wouldn’t be hard. So what are we talking, a few nights a week and you go home afterwards, or are there roses and crappy poetry?” 

“You have a jaded view of dating, you know that?” 

“Yes. Answer the question.” 

“He comes over. He cooks for me. I work, and he watches truly horrific TV. We talk about everything. He makes me laugh.” 

“Mmm hmm. Go on.” 

“We go to the Odeon, you know that place? Where they show the old, classic Hollywood movies?” 

“Oh, brother.” 

“Sometimes we go out for dinner, we’ve done brunch a few times. He’s as fascinated by New York City history as I am. We do a lot of walking around the city. And he’s got me going to his gym now.” 

“What was wrong with your old gym?” 

“Apparently just about everything. And I have to admit, it is an improvement. I might actually go to this one regularly.” 

“So roses and crappy poetry then. Gross.” 

Rafael laughs. “I know. But it’s good. I’m happy, Rita.” 

“Then I’m happy for you. Except that it makes me think I should get my ass back out there again. I’d rather shave my eyebrows. Is there such a thing as mail order grooms?” 

They stay very late, talking and laughing, and probably drink too much. But that’s not unusual for them. They rarely get the opportunity to do this, even though they try to do it regularly. And Rita has a feeling it’s going to become more rare, because unless she’s very much mistaken, her buddy Barba is in love. 


	3. The One Who Truly Cares

“Mmmmmmmm… Whyyyyyyyyy…” Sonny whines theatrically, trying to keep Rafael from pulling out of his arms.

“You’re skirting false imprisonment, Detective,” Rafael warns silkily, chuckling as he escapes Sonny’s embrace and slides out of bed.

“No, ‘cause you’re missin’ an element of the crime. This confinement’s privileged.”

“What privilege?”

“Boyfriend privilege.”

“No such thing.”

“Fine. I’m a cop. You’re under arrest. Come back here, let me Mirandize you.”

“Don’t you think you’ve had enough Mirandizing for one night?”

“Never. C’mon, please? Come back to bed. Why do you always have to leave?”

“Go back to sleep. It’s a school night.” Rafael, fastening his suit pants, leans over and kisses Sonny on the side of the head before heading for the living room. In the dim light seeping through the curtains, Sonny can see him stoop over to pick up something from the floor. 

Sonny grins into his pillow, knowing he left a trail of Rafael’s clothes from the kitchen to the bedroom as he undressed him. He rolls over and gets comfortable again, although he doesn’t fall asleep right away. Just when he’s starting to wonder why he’s not hearing the door of his apartment open and close, he hears a soft noise at the entrance to his bedroom. He opens his eyes and sees Rafael’s silhouette, leaning against the doorjamb. 

“Rafael? Everything okay?” 

Barba sighs softly, then pushes off the doorway and walks back across the floor, unzipping his pants as he goes. He sits down on the edge of the bed to pull them off his legs, tossing them so they land across the seat of a straightback chair under the window. He sighs again as Sonny watches his shoulders rise and fall, then turns and lays back down facing Sonny. 

Sonny reaches for him. Rafael scoots closer and folds himself into Sonny, arms and legs finding comfortable places to rest. Their faces are inches apart on one pillow. 

“You didn’t answer me,” Sonny says in a near whisper. “Is everything okay?”

“Yes,” Rafael answers, stroking his hand down Sonny’s shoulder and arm. “I just… find myself unable to leave you.”

“Good. I don’t want you to.” Sonny grins and kisses Rafael lazily. “If you want, I think I could rouse myself-“

“Sonny, I love you.”

The words hit Sonny hard. He forgets to breathe while a surprise wave of emotion washes through him. Rafael’s voice is wrecked. He’s apparently had an epiphany somewhere between the bedroom and the foyer, and he’s as rocked by it as Sonny is. Sonny hopes Rafael can see his smile, because there’s no way he can speak right now. Instead, he slowly, reverently, leans in and begins to kiss Rafael, who clings to him. Sonny realizes with a start that Rafael is trembling. 

“I love you, too,” Sonny whispers between kisses, cradling Rafael’s face in both hands. “It’s okay, I promise. I love you, too.”

He doesn’t know how he knows that’s what Rafael needs to hear, but he does. There’s something a little desperate about the way he’s kissing Sonny now, and he keeps their faces together, even as they begin to stroke each other. When he comes, Rafael whispers Sonny’s name so softly he barely hears it. Sonny cleans them both off afterward, touching Rafael with tender care and then pulling him close again. He presses soft kisses into Rafael’s hair and whispers “I love you” once more as he drifts off to sleep.

Like he had their first night together, Rafael stays awake a while longer, thinking. He hadn’t meant to fall in love. Hadn’t even been sure he wanted to. He certainly had never planned to fall in love with Sonny Carisi. But tonight, as he’d lifted his shirt from the floor and started to put it on, he’d heard the soft rustle of Sonny moving in the bed and he’d frozen, one arm halfway into a sleeve. He had stood, stock-still and listening, unable to make himself continue dressing to leave.

Because Rafael never stays at Sonny’s. Sonny stays at Rafael’s more often than not, but when they find themselves at Sonny’s, Rafael always goes home to sleep. Or, rather, to wake up. There is something incredibly intimate about waking up in someone else’s bed, in their home. It involves using their things, being in their space at a very vulnerable time of day, and he just can’t do it. Never has been able to. It’s simply too intimate to bear in the cold light of day. It’s nothing to have Sonny at his apartment. It’s his turf, so it’s comfortable, and God knows he loves falling asleep and waking up with Sonny Carisi in his arms. But tonight, he’s in Sonny’s apartment, which he had thought meant he had to leave.

And then, standing there, shirt half on, he had realized _he didn’t want to leave_. Whatever stupid ideas he had about sleeping in his own bed, using his own toiletries, had seemed suddenly like so much smoke: ephemeral and weightless. What he wanted was Sonny. And that’s when it had hit him. He’s in love. He has been for months, he just hasn’t bothered to notice. But there, in the dark stillness of a random Tuesday night, he had felt the deep truth of it, and he’d realized there was no way he was leaving Sonny. Not tonight or any other night. 

The next day, it’s back to work following up on claims being made by convicted serial killer and all-around asshole Greg Yates. Yates has been claiming that Dr. Carl Rudnick, a key member of the Medical Examiner’s office, is the real killer. Or, at least, one of them. And the more they investigate, the more it’s starting to look like he may be telling the truth. 

When they meet at Barba’s office to go over the results of the second autopsy on Rudnick’s supposed victim, nobody notices – or at least comments on – the fact that Barba is sporting pretty significant five O’clock shadow. The fact that he couldn’t make himself leave the man he loves changes nothing about the fact that he’s still too fastidious to use another man’s razor. 

He knows he could have. Sonny had offered more than once. But Rafael had declined. It wasn’t just that he’s finicky. It was just… he was already feeling raw and vulnerable about admitting his love to Sonny and waking up in his bed for the first time. He wasn’t ready to use his shaving supplies. Rafael may have had an epiphany, but it’s still going to take some time before he’s comfortable with that level of intimacy.

**_______________________________________**

It’s when Barba accompanies Carisi to the Tombs to question a witness that Sonny first mentions wanting Rafael to meet his family. Family’s been on both their minds since they’ve been working on this case. A little girl has died battered, starved, and locked in a dog cage, and it’s looking like the Department of Child Services hasn’t come close to doing their job for families like this. 

On their way back to Barba’s office, Sonny’s eyes are on Rafael for a while as he navigates the city traffic. 

“Say it,” Rafael grunts.

“Say what?”

“Whatever it is you’re psyching yourself up to say.” Rafael takes his eyes off the road for just a second to give Sonny his “Don’t try it with me” look. 

“Okay, just… Hear me out, all right? You’re not gonna like it.”

“Oh, no…”

“Rafael, I don’t know how the hell I got so lucky, but you’re my boyfriend. I love you, and I’m so fuckin’ proud to be with you I wanna put it on a billboard in Times Square.” He takes a breath and dives in. “We’ve already gone public at work and with our friends. I want you to meet my family.” 

Barba just drives, saying nothing for so long Sonny braces himself for the ax to fall. _So this is it. This is as far as Rafael’s feelings go._ Sonny’s been waiting. He’s always known that there’s no way Rafael could feel for him the way Sonny feels for Rafael. 

Sonny’s going to cry about that, but not right now. Nor is he going to take a chance on ruining what Rafael is willing to share with him by making a scene. Barba never promised him anything, after all, and what they have is pretty damn good. Sonny tells himself that it’s enough. Even if Rafael doesn’t want the whole, full-on relationship thing, at least he wants this much. It’s already more than Sonny could ever have hoped for.

So he puts on a smile, gives Rafael’s thigh a squeeze, and says, “It’s OK. I get it.”

“I’ve been thinking about our families, too,” Rafael says quietly.

“It’s all right. We don’t hafta-“

“Are you going to let me say this?” Rafael snaps.

Sonny shuts up.

“I know you, Sonny. I know how important your family is to you. And you’ve been more patient with me than I deserve, which means you know me, too. You know this is… a leap for me.”

“For me, too.”

“But you’re right. It’s time. In fact, your timing’s impeccable, because I made the biggest disclosure of all just last night.”

“You didn’t. Rafael! You told your _Mami_ about us?”

“I did.”

“I can’t believe it! What’d she say?”

“She asked a million questions, one after another, without giving me time to answer even one of them. When we hung up, the only thing she’d stopped interrogating me long enough to learn is your name.”

Sonny’s beaming. Rafael wishes he could stop the car and just watch him do it. Sonny’s smile, especially this one that makes his eyes crinkle, gets him every time. All the trepidation he’s been feeling about shedding this latest layer of protection for his heart is worth it for the look on Sonny’s face.

“So have you thought about how you might wanna do this? Meet each other’s families?”

Rafael is grateful that they’ve reached One Hogan Place, so he can pull into the underground parking and stop the car. He wants to be able to give Sonny his full attention. He doesn’t answer until he’s navigated the narrow twists of the garage and parked. He shuts off the engine and turns in his seat to face Sonny as much as he can in the small space.

“Yes, I have.” This time it’s Rafael who takes a deep breath before speaking. “I was thinking maybe… a housewarming.”

Sonny blinks. His face flushes and he starts to speak a couple of times, but he’s so flabbergasted he can’t find the words. Barba smiles and tips his head just a little, taking Sonny’s hand.

“I’m asking you to move in with me.”

All Sonny can do is choke out a “Yes” before the tears come.

Rafael kisses them away, and they smile into one another’s eyes for a very long time before making it out of the car.

That night, they stagger into Rafael’s apartment, wiped out from a long day, with take-out from the Korean restaurant they like. The lights are on and there’s a wonderful smell coming from inside. Rafael looks at Sonny, his eyes wide and his mouth a straight line. 

“ _Mami_ ,” is all he says.

Rafael’s mother, Lucia Barba, is in the kitchen stirring a pot of _ajiaco_ when they enter. She comes around the counter that separates Rafael’s kitchen from his living room, wiping her hands on the apron Rafael always wears when he does any serious cooking. Then she holds her arms out. But not to Rafael.

“Let me see you,” she says to Sonny, pretty much ignoring her son.

Sonny’s smile lights up his whole face, and he instantly hands the take-out bags to Rafael and goes to her, taking her hands. Rafael’s relieved. He should have known. Sonny is all about family. Rafael’s won’t scare him. Not the way Sonny’s family scares Rafael.

“Rafi won’t tell me anything about you,” Lucia says. Which isn’t fair, Rafael thinks, but no one’s paying attention to him. 

“I’m Dominick Carisi, _Señora_ Barba. Call me Sonny.”

“And I’m Lucia. I wanted to meet the man who’s captured my son’s heart.”

“Trust me, Lucia, he’s got mine, too,” Sonny says, smiling warmly at Rafael as he puts the take-out containers into his refrigerator.

“He better,” she says, and Sonny knows she’s teasing, but also sees clearly that she’s not. 

Lucia’s already got the table set for them, so it’s only a few minutes before they sit down to her delicious chicken and potato soup.

“There’s an herb in here,” Sonny says, exclaiming about how good the _ajiaco_ is.

“Yes. It’s called _guasca_ ,” she tells him, going right back into questioning mode. “How long have you been dating Rafi?”

Rafael cringes at her interrogation, but Sonny leans in. “Well, we’ve known each other for about three years, but we only started dating about six months ago.”

“Six months!” She gives Rafael a dirty look. “You used to tell me everything, _mijo_.”

“I used to be a child,” Rafael gripes between spoonfuls. 

Lucia rolls her eyes – _so that’s where he got that_ – and turns back to Sonny. “You’ll tell me everything.”

It’s not a question, but Sonny says, “Of course” anyway.

“He hasn’t introduced you to his _Mami_ , but have you met any of his cousins, or any part of his family?”

“No, ma’am. But, to be fair, I haven’t introduced him to mine, either.”

“I’m sure that’s his fault. I bet you asked to meet us, and he put you off. And he’s scared to death to meet your family, so he’ll never ask for that. You’ll just have to make him.”

Rafael knows it isn’t true that if he closes his eyes, his _Mami_ can’t see him or discuss him. It didn’t work when he was a child, and it doesn’t work now, but it’s an ingrained habit at this point. 

Still, an interesting thing happens instead. Sonny starts to take the lead in the conversation and, for the first time in his life, Rafael gets a break in one of these situations his _Mami_ specializes in. 

“I don’t know what he told you about how we met, or anything. We work together. I’m a detective in the SVU, and…”

Rafael discovers a new Sonny Carisi talent. Well, a permutation of one he already knew about. Carisi can talk as much as Rafael’s _Mami_ can, and can keep her entertained enough that she doesn’t have time to embarrass Rafael. She’s getting deluged with information – far more than Rafael would ever divulge – and she has time to ask questions only when Sonny takes a breath or a spoonful of _ajiaco_.

Before the meal is over, Lucia is up to date. She knows the story of their relationship and that they’ve decided to move in together. She assures Sonny that Rafael’s _Abuelita_ would be over the moon to know that she helped Rafael find love. Sonny recognizes that for the monumental compliment it is, and that’s the first time Lucia hugs Sonny during her visit. 

It’s not the last.

By the time they say good night, Sonny and Lucia are thick as thieves, and they have appointments to see two apartments the next day. Rafael says he can’t get out of work to join them, but they barely notice. Sonny has learned that Lucia is the reason Rafael’s current apartment is so lovely, and she’s entirely taken command of finding and decorating the apartment he’ll be sharing with Sonny. Sonny’s completely charmed by her, and delightfully surprised to find her so excited about her son moving in with another man. 

_So this is how it’s going to be_ , Rafael thinks, and he figures it’s going to be a while before he can sort out all the feelings he has about that. On the surface, it’s good. Rafael’s _Mami_ has impossible standards for his boyfriends, and she doesn’t hide how she feels. So that’s one hurdle crossed. 

But, for one thing, Rafael’s an only child. He’s not used to sharing his _Mami’s_ attention. _Sharing, hell. I’ve been completely thrown over_ , he thinks to himself. For another, having his _Mami_ bond so strongly with Sonny means that he’s going to have to answer to her if things go wrong. That can take many forms: anything from Lucia taking Sonny’s side in arguments to her getting involved to avert potential breakups. Rafael’s been there before. 

The most troubling thing is, Lucia Barba has Xray vision, especially when it comes to her only son. She’s focused almost exclusively on Sonny tonight, but Rafael’s under no illusions about that. Darth Vader _wishes_ he could sense everything about Luke Skywalker like Lucia can with Rafael, and she doesn’t even need the Force. 

And that means that Lucia already knows exactly how Rafael feels about Sonny. There’s no pretending he’s not head over heels here. Not that she doesn’t want exactly that for him, it’s just deeply uncomfortable for Rafael to be so transparent about something so private. 

**_____________________________________________**

The Carisi girls terrify Rafael. There’s no other way to put it. Given that Sonny’s met Lucia, he decides it’s not fair to delay introducing Rafael to his family until their housewarming. So Rafael, stupid in love, agrees to a family barbecue at Sonny’s parents’ house. He thinks he’s prepared. He knows what Sonny’s like, and expects his family to be equally loud, intrusive, and heavily-accented. 

He has no idea. 

He’s sitting on a small couch, bracketed by Bella and Theresa, with Gina sitting on a battered ottoman pulled up so close Rafael’s knees keep knocking into hers. Being here, on their turf, poked and prodded and interrogated by three protective Italian sisters, is making the bar exam seem like a foot massage by comparison. 

“So what will happen when Sonny passes the bar?” The oldest one, Rafael thinks that one’s Theresa, asks. “Will you be able to help him get a good job with the D.A.’s office?”

Sonny, curse his beautiful blue eyes, has abandoned Rafael to his sisters. Rafael vows swift and brutal revenge as he tries to formulate an answer to the question. “Well, there’s a career path. New attorneys start at the bottom-“

“Yeah, but you can help him get promotions and stuff, right? Steer the good cases his way?”

“That’s not exactly how it works.”

“So you’re not gonna put in a good word? Help him out?” This one’s Bella, Sonny’s younger sister, and she might as well be saying, “Aha!” 

Rafael is not making a good impression.

“Of course, I’ll support him however I can. He’s already shadowed me through some trials, and helped me with research and evidence on others. That experience will look great on his resumé. Besides, he’ll do fine. He doesn’t need my help.”

“He’s smart, you know,” Gina says, and it comes out as a threat.

“Yes, he is. I’ve been really impressed.”

“Why, ‘cause you thought he was stupid?”

“Of course not. I already knew he was a good detective-“

“Here’s what I wanna know,” Theresa chimes in over whatever her sister starts to interrupt him with.

The conversation grinds on for what feels to Rafael like months. Long, cold, dreary months in midwinter where the wind is howling and he’s all alone because Sonny isn’t even in the room. And all through those long, cold, dreary months, he’s being hounded by yetis with pointy red manicures. He’s going to kill Sonny.

But it’s definitely not all sunshine and palm trees in the back yard, either. Sonny has his own problems. There’s a reason he’s left Rafael alone with his sisters, and it’s one he never would have expected. 

Sonny’s mother has taken an instant, vehement dislike to Rafael.

So he’s outside, sitting with a beer at the picnic table, watching his father grill chicken. It’s a good place to focus his eyes, because he doesn’t want to look at his mother. He’s angry with her and, even though he can’t hide that, he still has to hold his tongue. She’s his mom.

“He’s just so different from anyone you ever dated before, Sonny. It’s not that I don’t like him, I don’t even know him. It’s just that I can see how you feel about him, and I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“Ma, he’s not gonna hurt me. He loves me. Plus, we’ve been together six months. You don’t know who he is, but I do. Just get to know him. You’ll see.”

“Isn’t this the same guy you said always cuts you down? Makes fun of you in front of your squad?” Sonny’s mother continues. 

“That’s not what he does. He’s just funny, and clever. He makes jokes. He never actually insults me.”

Carmela Carisi is not convinced. She even crosses her arms, which Sonny doesn’t have to be a detective to know is a bad sign. Sonny looks to his Dad for backup.

“Pop, help me out here.”

Dominick Carisi, Senior is nowhere near as verbose as the rest of his family, although they all know he sees and hears _everything_. He grunts a little and bastes a chicken breast with his special marinade before saying, “Why don’t you send him out here? No doubt he’s had more than enough of your sisters by now.”

Sonny’s eyes go wide as he realizes how long Rafael’s been alone in the lionesses’ den. “Oh, shit-“

“Language, Sonny,” his mother chides as he hurriedly unwinds himself from the picnic table and heads for the screen door into the kitchen.

“And why don’t you keep your sisters inside while I finish cooking this chicken?” His father calls behind him. It’s not a suggestion.

Sonny hurries into the living room, where his sisters basically have Rafael surrounded. He looks tense and harried until he sees Sonny come into the room, when the relief that washes over his face is palpable. Sonny knows he owes him an hours-long blow job for this. 

“Hey, Sweetheart, my Pop wants a chance to hang out with you. You wanna go out by the grill?”

“Of course,” Rafael says as he practically springs up from his seat, ready to bolt from the room.

“Yeah, let’s go out and –“ Bella begins.

“Not you. He said for you to stay in here. I’m sure Rafael needs a break.”

The sisters begin to complain, but Rafael’s already past Sonny out the door and into the kitchen. Sonny follows, stopping him with a hand on his shoulder before he gets to the screen door. 

“Hey.” 

Rafael turns around. Sonny steps closer and puts a hand on each of Rafael’s hips, feeling the same flush of warmth as always when Rafael’s hands go to his shoulders as if they’ve always stood like this. 

“I’m sorry. I left you alone with them, that wasn’t fair.” Sonny’s voice is soft and sincere. It feels good on Rafael’s frayed nerves.

“They’re… thorough,” he says.

“If they investigated everything the way they do my dates, I’d be out of a job. They’d solve every crime in the city.”

Rafael chuckles weakly. 

“Really, Sweetheart,” Sonny says, leaning down to kiss Rafael lightly. “I apologize. I won’t abandon you again.”

After another couple of reassuring kisses, Sonny lets go and steps back so Rafael can turn around. He follows Rafael down the concrete stairs to the Carisis’ wide patio, where his parents await. Sonny’s dad has an open expression and a friendly smile for Rafael. Sonny’s mom does not. She stays sitting at the picnic table. At least she remembers her manners.

“Rafael, you don’t have a drink. Would you like something? There’s a cooler over there next to the steps.”

“I’ll get you a beer,” Sonny says, standing protectively over Rafael as he steps up to the grill opposite Sonny’s dad. 

Rafael likes one, and only one, kind of beer, which is why they’ve brought some today. He’s explained that it’s more a comfort thing than a taste thing. All Barba’s relatives in Miami drink Hatuey. He’s grown up with it. Sonny thinks comfort is exactly what Rafael needs right now.

When Sonny comes back out of the house, holding two bottles of cold Hatuey and a beer mug, Rafael’s listening to his dad waxing poetic about grilling. Sonny steps up to him and hands him the mug and a bottle, staying close.

Until his father looks up at him and says, “Seems like you haven’t seen your sisters in a while.”

Another command, this time disguised as an observation.

“Pop, I told Rafael I won’t abandon him again. You even said-“

“Yeah, yeah. It’s a lot safer out here. I know how to be a host.”

Rafael actually grins at that. “I’ll be fine,” he assures Sonny, who is now completely torn. “Really.”

Sonny’s spent enough time looking at Rafael’s face that he knows Rafael means it. “But I just promised not to abandon you.”

“You’re not. Obey your Pop.”

Sonny feels about six years old, but he shrugs and gives Rafael’s shoulder a squeeze, then turns to go back inside. “Shout if you need help.”

He slouches into the living room where three avid faces are turned toward him. “Shut up,” he says in greeting and his sisters, of course, start right in.

“He’s hot,” Gina says.

“Tell me something I don’t know.”

“Kinda stiff, though,” Bella opines. “I don’t see you two together.”

“Well, you’re _gonna_ see us together, so you might as well get used to it. Did you have to grill him like that?”

Theresa scoffs. “Don’t be an idiot, that’s our job. And you better be nice to us, ‘cause you’re gonna need our help with Ma.”

“You could tell Ma hates him?” Sonny asks, surprised.

“I coulda told you she’d hate him before she even met him. You know she don’t like snooty.”

“Rafael is not snooty.” 

Now Gina and Bella both scoff. “He’s way snooty,” Bella says. 

“Totally,” Gina agrees.

“He is not snooty. He’s just confident. He’s got a lot to be confident about. I told ya’, he’s a big deal in the D.A.’s office.”

Gina holds up her wine glass in salute. “Well, he’s got a great ass, I’ll give you that.”

“Aaaaaaa! Shut up!” Sonny complains.

“What, you want I should say he has a lousy ass?”

“I don’t want you to talk about his ass at all! C’mon, Gina, you’re over forty. Try to act like a fuckin’ adult.”

“I am! I appreciate your boyfriend’s ass in a very adult way, believe me.”

Sonny facepalms. Hard. “No, no no… How’m I gonna unhear that…”

He’s always been this easy to bait, and it’s always been this much fun. 

Outside, Rafael does everything humanly possible to make a good impression on Sonny’s parents. Dominick, Senior, turns out to be extremely likeable, quick to laugh and quietly funny. The fond pride he feels in his children is evident, even when he’s gently disparaging some of their more troublesome qualities. Rafael sees there’s a great deal of Dominick in Sonny. 

Sonny’s stubborn pride, however? That’s all Mrs. Carisi. She does not invite him to call her Carmela. She says little as Rafael and Dominick find their way to a conversation that would be entirely satisfactory, if not for the fact of Mrs. Carisi sitting in silent judgment at the picnic table. 

She refuses to be drawn in to their conversation, regardless of what topic Rafael tries. Dominick clearly observes the chilly distance she keeps from Rafael but, to his credit, he doesn’t give any indication of it. Rafael admires that loyalty and discretion. This is where Sonny learned that.

“Not recently, no,” Rafael answers Dominick’s question. “The last time I saw something on Broadway was _Hamilton_ , but that was almost a year ago.”

Rafael turns to Mrs. Carisi. “Do you like the theater?”

“Well, we don’t have fancy friends, with tickets to sold-out shows,” she groused.

Determined, Rafael forced the most self-deprecating grin he could. “I admit, I got very lucky there. Because you’re right, it wasn’t me who was able to get tickets.”

“I’m sure it must be very nice, being from Manhattan and all.” This spoken in the same tone with which she might congratulate him on his high position in the Third Reich. 

But Rafael’s encouraged, because maybe he’s stumbled on the source of her dislike of him. 

“Oh, no!” He laughs modestly. “I’m not from Manhattan. I just work there, like Sonny does. I grew up in the Bronx. I envy your children, getting to grow up here, with a yard and all this room. I grew up in a tiny apartment. We played in the street, or on fire escapes. You have a lovely home.”

When Mrs. Carisi doesn’t respond, Dominick launches into stories of the Carisi children’s misadventures in this very yard. They’re sweet anecdotes, and Rafael laughs and makes carefully positive comments, but it doesn’t help.

He’s uncharacteristically quiet on the train back to Manhattan.

**_________________________________________________**

The move to their shared apartment goes smoothly, because Rafael isn’t a “put your stuff in the back of your friends’ pickup trucks” kind of guy. He wants it fast and surgical, and he doesn’t want his belongings to be any more public than they have to be. So he hires professional movers and, in one day, everything’s moved into the new apartment Lucia found for them. 

Unpacking, however, takes longer. They’ve known they were going to live together. They’ve had plenty of sex before now. But somehow, being together in “their” apartment is an unforeseen aphrodisiac for Sonny. He finds himself pressing Barba against walls, interrupting Rafael’s organizing of the kitchen to make him sit on the counter so Sonny can suck him off, riding Rafael when he sits on the living room floor to sort books… They’ve lived here for two weeks now, and they’re still not unpacked. Rafael has started to grumble about it, as well as about his lack of sleep because Sonny insists on fucking him every time they get in bed together.

“What is it with you?” Rafael complains as they unpack the last box of Sonny’s hair products in the bathroom. Or rather, Rafael unpacks while Sonny hugs him from behind and tries to slip a hand down his sweats. “You’re insatiable all of a sudden. I’m flattered, but I’m also a little concerned you might have some sort of endocrine imbalance.”

Sonny chuckles into his neck, which feels so good Rafael quits trying to stop what Sonny’s doing with his hand. 

“It’s you. It’s this. I never lived with anyone before, and I still can’t believe I get to be the guy who lives with _you_.”

“I’m actually the lucky one, but far be it from me to shatter your illusions.” Rafael leans into Sonny, his cock stiffening in Sonny’s hands. 

Pretty soon, they’re watching themselves in the mirror as Sonny strokes Rafael to orgasm. Then it’s Sonny’s turn to sit on a counter while Rafael does all the indecent things Sonny likes until Sonny’s shouting his name while he comes down Rafael’s throat. 

There’s a knock at the door as Sonny’s just beginning to come down. 

_Oh, shit._ They haven’t been making the slightest effort to be quiet, and the bathroom’s close enough to the door that… The apartment door’s steel, but they don’t have much hope whoever it was couldn’t hear anything. They share a horrified look.

It only gets worse when Sonny opens the door to find his mother standing in the hallway.

She’s anxious and doesn’t know where to look. She’s holding a potted plant in one hand, and with the other, she keeps touching the ends of her grey bob. There is absolutely no question that she’s heard them. 

“Ma! You didn’t tell me you were coming.”

“I know, but I had to come into the city to pick up my new glasses from that specialty place and I just thought I’d stop by and bring you a housewarming present.”

“Well, come in!” Sonny says heartily as he steps aside, and Rafael comes out of the bedroom after having changed his sweats in record time. 

“If it’s not a good time…” Carmela darts her eyes at Rafael.

“We’re delighted to see you, Mrs. Carisi,” Rafael says suavely, putting on his very best manners. “We’re not fully moved in yet, but please, come in and let us show you the place. Can I get you something to drink? Have you had lunch?”

Both Sonny and Rafael are now looking at Carmela, eyes wide, hanging on whatever syllables might come out of her mouth. She looks uncertainly between them, focusing much more on Sonny than Rafael, but she nods and takes a step inside.

Carmela Carisi has lived for the past forty-odd years in a modest two-story home in a working class neighborhood. It’s cheerfully cluttered and there’s no furniture less than ten years old in it. The last time any room was painted, George W. Bush was in office. But she’s clearly determined to be unimpressed with the apartment this Rafael has moved her Sonny into.

Rafael is smart enough not to mention that his own mother is responsible for the colors on the walls, the placement of pretty much everything, and the choice of which furniture he and Sonny kept and which they discarded. He lets Sonny do most of the talking, but he dances attendance on Mrs. Carisi every second.

It does no good. She’ll barely acknowledge Rafael, and she sniffs in poorly-concealed disdain at regular intervals. She won’t set foot in the one bedroom and makes a point of not looking at the bed. After fifteen minutes, she’s seen everything, has refused to have a seat three times, and announces she needs to go catch the train back to Staten Island. Sonny insists on walking her to the subway. 

“I’m perfectly capable of walking there myself. I got here, didn’t I?”

Sonny’s already shrugging on his jacket. “Let’s go,” he says, and opens the door for her. 

It’s a cold, cloudy day, especially for this time of year, and the chill coming from Carmela’s isn’t helping.

“A’right, Ma. Out with it.”

“What? I didn’t say anything.”

“Look, Ma, he’s my boyfriend. I love him, and he loves me. I’m happy. Why can’t you be happy for me?”

“How much can he love you? He just moves you in like a… Well, I don’t know what the word is, but you know what I mean. If he loves you, how come he don’t wanna marry you?”

“Ma, we’re not there yet! This is what you do now. This is the next step. And if it works out, then we’ll maybe talk about getting married some day, but…”

She scoffs. “Just like your sisters. I told them, but did they listen to me? And now look at them. Gina’s still livin’ in sin after how many years, and Theresa’s divorced.” 

“Bella and Tommy lived together, and they’re married now.”

“Oh, Sonny, you are missing the point! It’s disrespectful, this living together. And that apartment! Where are you in all that fancy matchy-matchy place? I didn’t see one thing in there that was yours.”

“What, did you have your eyes closed the whole time? My stuff is everywhere! Half the pictures on the walls, and a bunch of the furniture… Besides, I love it there. It’s what I want. Can I help it if Rafael’s _Mami_ has great taste? We could never have put it together like that.”

“His mommy? He still calls his mother mommy?”

“Ma, quit. You are not that ignorant. He’s Cuban, he calls her ‘ _Mami_ ’, M-A-M-I. You’re determined not to like him. And he was bustin’ his ass tryna be nice to you. Welcome you.”

“Psssht. As if I need him to welcome me to my own son’s home. Or do I? Is that how it is with him?”

“Ma, stop! What is it with you? Why don’t you tell me what this is really about? Is it because he’s a man? I thought we were through with that. You said-“

“Oh, don’t you do that to me, Dominick Carisi, Junior! You don’t make me out to be some bigot just because I don’t like your snooty boyfriend.”

“Ma, he’s not snooty! He was nothin’ but polite to you the whole time you were lookin’ down your nose at him. Trust me, if you were tryna put him in his place, you succeeded. Which, you’re my mom and all, but I do not appreciate.”

“He thinks he’s too good for you. For all us Carisis. You’re just too busy fornicating to recognize it. But he’ll get tired of you soon enough, and then where will you be? I’ll tell you where. Just where Gina was after that Ricardo of hers. You remember that? How miserable she was? She had to start over, livin’ in a tiny rat trap with four roommates-“

“Is that what this is about? You don’t like Rafael because he’s Hispanic? Because he reminds you of that loser Ricardo? That guy was a thug, Ma, and Gina was well rid of him. Rafael couldn’t be more different.”

“Well, we’ll see,” Carmela says dismissively, and holds her cheek up for him to kiss now that they’ve reached the stairs to the subway.   
Sonny kisses her dutifully, and they smile briefly and tensely at one another before she turns to descend to the station.


	4. Some Just Want Everything

It’s been a year since Sonny and Rafael moved in together. Rafael still texts Sonny every morning if they don’t wake up together for some reason. Usually that’s because Sonny’s had to work all night, but Rafael’s had to go on a few business trips, too. In the year they’ve lived together, Rafael has become comfortable with the intimacy of sharing everything, from living space to finances to dental floss. Still, there’s a part of him that’s just a little afraid of how well Sonny knows him now, how close he’s let Sonny get. For his part, Sonny has maybe calmed down on jumping Rafael every ten minutes, but he still isn’t over the sense that this is all too good to be true. 

They have a routine. They have established roles that work for them. They have things they’ve purchased together. It shouldn’t work, for two people as different as Sonny and Rafael. But it does.

Nonetheless, it’s been a year of some tough adjustments. Rafael’s had to learn how to fight fair. Sonny’s had to learn to use a clothes hamper. They’ve both had to learn how to navigate a world full of people who despise their relationship, and who seem to pop up at all the most unexpected times and places. They’ve both dealt with their share of that kind of crap, but neither has been in a domestic relationship before. They haven’t had to deal with bigotry when they’re doing things like shopping for groceries and furniture and hiring service people together. 

They’ve had to figure out how to treat one another when they’re sick, or upset, or just in a mood. How to share a bathroom (there’s a schedule) and limited closet space (it’s Rafael’s; they built Sonny an Ikea wardrobe). How much is too much sharing with their families and friends.

The one thing they haven’t been able to figure out is what to do about Sonny’s mother. She’s dug in her heels and stopped pretending to even try to like Rafael. She hasn’t gone as far as banning him from her home, but she now wastes no pleasantries on him when he’s there. Rafael refuses to give in, but it gets harder each time to hope that somehow he will be able to win her over. The worst part is, Sonny doesn’t understand why his mother feels the way she does – this is entirely unlike her – and he’s deeply hurt by it. Which, in Rafael’s mind, means _he_ is hurting Sonny. He’s starting to believe Mrs. Carisi is right. He isn’t good enough for Sonny.

The rest of his family treats Rafael carefully, but well. Except for Dominick Senior. 

Dominick likes Rafael so much they’ve actually been known to hang out together by themselves. He’s firmly Team Rafael, and he makes no bones about it. Rafael likes Dominick, too. They’re nowhere near as tight-knit as Sonny and Lucia, but Dominick and Rafael have developed a weird kind of bond that no one but them really understands. It involves cigars, mutual hatred of the Yankees, and Dominick’s mastery of home maintenance. Sonny would never say so, but he thinks it’s adorable the way Rafael idolizes his Pop. These days, anytime something breaks, Sonny knows he can expect a visit from his Pop, to show Rafael how to repair it. 

Sonny is returning from helping Lucia re-arrange her furniture one Saturday when he finds his lover and his father both lying with their heads inside the cabinet under the kitchen sink while his Pop teaches Rafael how to install an instant hot water dispenser. One Sunday dinner (which Rafael does not attend), Dominick burns his fingers on a roasting pan and hisses one of Rafael’s favorite Spanish swear words. And when they decide they need a new light fixture in the dining area of their apartment, Rafael won’t hear of Sonny hiring an electrician to install it. 

“No, don’t be silly,” he grunts. “That’ll cost a fortune. And there’s no need, your Pop and I will install it this weekend. No point paying an electrician to do something we can do ourselves.”

He sounds so much like Dominick that Sonny has to turn around and look at him to make sure it’s really his boyfriend and not his father speaking.

Rafael and Dominick rarely talk about Mrs. Carisi except in passing, and never about her dislike of Rafael. Rafael has a lot of reasons to respect Dominick now, and his refusal to disrespect his wife remains one of them. Sometimes Dominick will make oblique but sympathetic references to the situation, but that’s as close as they come to actually talking about it. It occurs to Rafael sometimes to wish Dominick would put his foot down with his wife, but he laughs each time he has that thought. Carmela Carisi wouldn’t change an opinion just because someone demanded it of her, any more than Lucia Barba would. Especially when that opinion is based on concern for her son’s welfare. 

Sonny loves the strange friendship between Rafael and his Pop. But he’s about had it with his Ma’s determined insistence on hating the man Sonny loves. 

What he doesn’t know, because Rafael doesn’t tell him, is how deeply and increasingly troubling that situation is to Rafael, too. It colors even the relationships Rafael’s trying to build with Sonny’s sisters. They’ve stopped grilling him, but Rafael sees them watching him, looking for whatever malevolent qualities their mother sees in him. And, although he can’t know what Carisi Sunday dinners and holiday gatherings were like before, he knows those events have tense moments and uncomfortable silences now, all centered on Mrs. Carisi’s disapproval of him. 

He hates the discord he’s brought into Sonny’s family life. He continues to put himself out in every way he can think of, trying to earn Sonny’s mother’s trust. But he’s really beginning to worry what will happen if he can’t. Because he will do anything to ensure that he doesn’t come between Sonny and his family.

**______________________________________________**

It’s almost seven when Rafael pushes his way into the apartment, briefcase in hand like he’s brought work home, even though it’s Saturday. He’s spent the entire day in his office and Sonny’s going to demand his fair share of Rafael’s attention. Especially today.

“What is that smell? If I wasn’t already in love with you, _mi Cariño_ , whatever you’re cooking might do it.”

Sonny comes into the living room, smiling as he wipes his hands on the apron he’s wearing over a sweater he knows Rafael likes, and his newest black jeans. They embrace, and the casual kiss Rafael’s expecting is not what he gets. Instead, Sonny moves languidly, kissing him deeply and pulling him close. The way he’s touching Rafael leaves no doubt how he’s feeling.

“I love you,” Sonny breathes between heated kisses.

“I see that.”

“Happy Anniversary.”

“Is that what all the cooking’s about?”

“Yeah. We just signed a new lease, which means we’ve been here together for a year. The best year of my life, bar none.”

“Because you got promoted to Detective First Grade and passed the bar exam?” Rafael asks, his green eyes dancing as he looks into Sonny’s serious face.

“Partly. But mostly because I’ve been living here with you, and you’re amazing, and wonderful, and sexy…”

And then Sonny’s kissing him again, whispering his name, and Rafael starts to move them toward the bedroom. Sonny mumbles his objection against Rafael’s lips and relaxes his hold on him. 

“No, no, no. You gotta be patient. Dinner first. Everything’s ready.”

Somewhere between the perfect antipasto and the buttery shrimp scampi with homemade focaccia, Rafael stops being able to look away from his boyfriend. He now understands why Sonny got up with him this morning, even though he deserved to sleep in after the week he’d had. Sonny had gone to the fish market to buy the freshest shrimp he could get. To make this special dinner for _him_. To celebrate his happiness about their living together, as though somehow Sonny is the lucky one, living with a demanding grouch like him. As though Rafael somehow deserves to wake up to that smile, to look into those blue eyes that crinkle when he laughs and call such a beautiful, extraordinary man his own.

That’s when he knows. That’s when he thinks that, if he had a ring, he would go down on one knee right this second and ask Sonny to be his own forever. But it doesn’t matter that he can’t do it right now, because as soon as he has the thought, Rafael knows that he is going to propose to Sonny. Because Sonny is the love of Rafael’s life, and for whatever strange reason, God has seen fit to make Sonny love him back. Sonny deserves to know how deeply Rafael loves him. And Rafael wants Sonny by his side for the rest of his life. Rafael would be a fool to take this cherished man for granted, and Rafael is not a fool. 

Rafael redoubles his commitment to winning over Mrs. Carisi. Because he can no longer imagine his life without Sonny. He can’t propose when this horrible tension exists between Sonny’s family and his boyfriend – fiancé, if there is any way humanly possible to make it happen – but he knows now that he’s never wanted anything more.

They’re too full to even consider trying the semifreddo Sonny’s made for dessert, which Rafael’s actually glad about. He looks across the table and offers Sonny his hand, laying it palm-up on the tablecloth Sonny’s spread for the occasion. Sonny smiles happily and takes it.

“Thank you, _mi amor_. This may be the best meal I’ve ever had.”

“Except for all those fancy dinners at-“ 

“Ever. Because you made it, in honor of us.” 

Rafael is very rarely sentimental, so Sonny bites back whatever self-deprecating joke he was going to make. He can see in Rafael’s eyes that this is a serious moment. He’s looking at Sonny with that entirely open, absolutely trusting gaze that Sonny knows very few people have ever seen. And there’s a smoldering desire coupled with deep emotion there that belongs to Sonny alone. 

“I think kissing you back that first night was the best decision I ever made. Second only to moving in here with you.” 

Sonny just beams and leans in for a kiss. This time, it’s Rafael who kisses back with unexpected heat. When he stands, he pulls at Sonny’s hand, urging him to get up with him. 

“Come with me,” Rafael almost whispers. 

“I need to-“ 

“Sonny. Please. Let me make love to you. I’ll deal with all of this later.” 

That’s all she wrote for Sonny. His higher brain functions shut down instantly and completely, and he’s silent as Rafael leads him by the hand into their bedroom. In Rafael’s other hand is the candle Sonny had burning in the center of the table. 

Sonny’s put fresh sheets on the bed in hopes of this outcome. Rafael sets the candle on his bedside table, then turns to Sonny and kisses him softly while he lifts Sonny’s sweater, only stopping the kisses briefly to pull it over his head. Rafael takes his time, kissing him some more as he unbuttons Sonny’s black jeans and lowers the zipper. 

“Lie down,” he growls, and Sonny obeys. 

Rafael’s shirt disappears while Sonny’s settling himself in the center of the bed, and once he stops shifting, Rafael moves over him. Again, he’s giving Sonny those molten kisses that involve a lot of tongue, the kind Rafael knows drive Sonny crazy. Rafael feels perfect on top of him, the warmth and weight of his chest against Sonny’s, the press and gentle grind against his dick. They kiss like that until both of them are fully hard, little moans and whispered endearments punctuating the searing assault Rafael’s maintaining on Sonny’s mouth. 

Rafael keeps some part of himself pressing against Sonny’s cock as he begins to work his way down Sonny’s body, kissing and nipping, nosing and licking. Sonny couldn’t stop rutting against him if he tried, and he doesn’t try. Then Rafael’s got his palm on Sonny, and he rubs him with one hand while he pulls down Sonny’s jeans and underwear with the other. Once Sonny’s cock is exposed, Rafael begins an oral assault on it every bit as voracious as that he’d used on Sonny’s mouth while he tugs Sonny’s jeans down to where they can work together to kick them off. 

“I love you, Sonny,” Rafael’s murmuring while he caresses him, using both hands now. “I can’t believe you’re mine.” 

“I am, Rafael. I am yours.” 

Sonny says a bunch of other things, too, when Rafael takes as much of his cock into his mouth and throat as he can, firmly grasping and stroking as he does. There’s a lot of moaning and inarticulate gasps, which are so obscenely hot that Rafael has to be careful not to rut against the mattress and ruin his plans. 

“Don’t come,” he growls to Sonny when it feels like his climax is imminent. 

“Oh, fuck. You can’t suck me like that and tell me not to come…” 

Rafael chuckles, which pushes Sonny almost over the edge, but then he gradually backs off and slows his rhythm. Finally, he pulls off of Sonny altogether and quickly tears his own jeans and underwear off. He kisses his way back up Sonny’s body and, when he reaches his mouth, kisses him lewdly while he searches under the pillow for the bottle of lube they keep at the head of the bed for moments like this. He finds it and starts back down toward Sonny’s dick again. 

“C’mere, Rafael. Let me do that for you.” 

“No. This is about you.” 

Sonny whimpers a little, hearing that. When he feels Rafael’s mouth on his dick again, he’s reduced to clawing at the sheets and writhing against that wicked tongue, that insanely skilled and depraved mouth. He moves his shoulders to the side so that he can watch Rafael. The light from the candle glints off of the lube coating Rafael’s fingers as those fingers glide in and out of his own hole. Sonny would love to sit up and watch, but that would mean taking his cock out from between Rafael’s lips, and that’s not even remotely possible right now. 

Rafael’s starting to make noises almost as needy as those Sonny’s making. Sonny has no idea how he has the presence of mind to do it, but Rafael speeds up taking Sonny deep and then sucking his way back off, increases the suction, and brings Sonny right to the edge of orgasm once again just as he finishes preparing himself. 

Sonny groans loudly when Rafael pulls off of him and waits impatiently while he repositions himself astride Sonny’s hips. Once again, Rafael overwhelms Sonny with indecent kisses as he reaches up for the condoms which should be… where… 

Sonny reaches back impatiently and feels around until he finds them, thrusting one roughly into Rafael’s hand. Rafael’s rough laugh is knowing, and dirty, and perfect. Just like the way he strokes Sonny as he places the condom. 

And then he’s over Sonny, his hole pressed gently against the head of Sonny’s cock, and they’re both deaf to their own noises while Rafael lowers himself, letting Sonny breach him slowly and reveling in the aching stretch. It doesn’t take long before Sonny’s full length is inside Rafael and their mouths are greedily devouring one another as Rafael relaxes into the stretch. 

And then he starts to move, and Sonny starts to move, and they both wish they could make it last forever even as they hurtle toward the blinding blast of ecstasy they need. Sonny comes first. Rafael makes sure of it. When he can, Sonny then unexpectedly flips them over and begins to stroke into Rafael, whispering the most delicious filth Rafael’s ever heard until Rafael is rocked by a climax so intense he’s shouting at the top of his lungs without even being aware of it. 

**______________________________________**

The Carisi family has a mid-day dinner together every Sunday, and you better have a good reason if you miss it. Sonny regularly misses it because of work, which is an acceptable excuse, if just barely. He’s always liked it. Coming home to Staten Island always feeds his soul, even if family – especially his family – can be tough. They may be difficult, but they’re also his backbone, and he knows it. 

In the last year and a half, however, Sunday dinner has become something Sonny almost dreads. First, there’s the weekly conversation with Rafael about whether he’s coming. The answer is almost always yes, even though Rafael knows what he can expect. He does it purely out of love for Sonny, and Sonny knows it. 

If Rafael doesn’t come with him, there’s the inevitable accusation that he’s not there because he thinks he’s too good for the Carisi family. It gets harder and harder for Sonny to remain calm in the face of such a deeply unfair assertion, when Rafael’s made so unwelcome every time he does come. There are often harsh words. 

It’s even worse when Rafael is there. Rafael tries so hard, Sonny’s Ma is so cruelly cold, Sonny wants to cry. He wants to pick up his Grandmother Carisi’s china and fling it at the walls, and then take Rafael home and never subject him to this again. 

Sonny’s mad at his whole family. He’s mad at his Pop, who loves Rafael, for not fighting harder for him. He’s mad at his sisters, who have all been through this to one degree or another, for not taking Rafael’s side. He’s absolutely furious with his stiff-necked, bullheaded Ma, who refuses to see that Rafael is the best thing that ever happened to him. 

Sonny and his mother are in grave danger of becoming estranged. Because Sonny cannot tolerate this much longer, and if she makes him choose between her and Rafael, Sonny’s gone. 

Today, Rafael comes with Sonny. He’s wearing jeans and a button-down shirt which, unbeknownst to Sonny, he purchased at Macy’s so that he can’t be accused of wearing expensive clothes. He’s brought a bouquet of flowers, purchased from an outdoor vendor near the Carisis’ home because he doesn’t think even Mrs. Carisi can find a reason to object to that. 

_Mrs. Carisi._ Two years together, and it’s still Mrs. Carisi. Two Christmases, when he’d have loved to conspire with Sonny to give her something wonderful, but had to be content with putting his name on something small and chosen by Sonny, from both of them. Now, more than ever, Rafael wants to propose to Sonny. But not unless she relents. He absolutely refuses to come between Sonny and his beloved family. 

Dominick, Senior greets both of them with smiles and warm hugs. Even the girls are friendly. Carmela doesn’t even come out of the kitchen. But Rafael’s in love with Sonny, so he girds his loins and goes in to her. 

“Good morning, Mrs. Carisi.” 

“Hello, Rafael.” 

__He hands her the flowers. “These are for you.”_ _

“Oh,” she says disinterestedly. “Thank you. Put ‘em in some water, will you?” 

He does, and then offers to help her with whatever she needs. As always, she refuses. He looks around to find something he can suggest, but there’s nothing. Defeated, he says, “Please let me know if I can do anything to help. Just call.” 

After they say grace, there’s plenty of talk. There always is. Rafael’s painfully polite and tries to be amusing in ways that can’t offend anyone. Being Rafael, and therefore suave and charismatic, he succeeds. 

With everyone but Carmela. 

After dinner, Rafael helps clear the table, and he and Sonny wash the dishes while the rest of the family relax in the living room. Sonny always wants to apologize for his mother, but he feels disloyal doing it. So instead, he compliments Rafael on being so charming during the meal, and flirts outrageously. 

They’ve almost finished putting the clean china back into the dining room breakfront when they hear the conversation in the living room turn to politics. A young, unarmed black man named Terrence Reynolds has been shot by three cops, and the whole city - the whole country – is arguing about it. 

This is a dangerous topic of conversation. Sonny thinks it was a good shoot. Rafael doesn’t. It’s the first time they’ve been this split about something, and they’ve finally had to agree not to talk about the case at home. But the Carisis are united in believing that the three cops involved did what they had to do. They know lots of cops, including Sonny, and they’re certain these officers are being railroaded. 

Sonny and Rafael share a look, and Sonny strides into the living room, loudly asking, “Hey, Pop, why aren’t you watching Spring Training? I know there’s some games today, and you got that sports package on your TV-“ 

It’s a valiant effort, but Sonny is not the only stubborn Carisi. 

“Hey, we were just talking about those three cops, the ones that shot that Terrence Reynolds kid,” Bella says. 

“Do you know those guys?” Gina asks. 

“I can’t talk about that case,” Sonny lies. “Neither of us can.” 

“Why not?” Gina presses him. “Wait, does that mean you’re involved? Were you there?” 

It’s Theresa, sitting in a corner reading the Sunday newspaper none of them have gotten to yet today, who answers her sister. 

“I can tell you why,” she says, quietly but in a strange voice that cuts through everything else. She looks up at Rafael as if he’s holding them all at gunpoint. Everyone’s eyes turn to her, but she just keeps looking at Rafael, angry and challenging. 

“We’re not gonna talk about this,” Sonny tries, but Rafael cuts him off. 

“I’ve been assigned to that case,” he says calmly but firmly. “I’m prosecuting those officers.”

There’s a stunned silence in which Bella and Mrs. Carisi join Theresa in glaring at Rafael. Everyone else just looks wildly uncomfortable. Bella’s husband Tommy is the only one who can think of something to say. 

“Way to go, Barba! You keep this up, I’m the favorite son-in-law for life!” 

No one laughs. It’s Carmela who speaks next, and her words are clipped and sibilant. “You’re prosecuting those officers. For doing their jobs?” 

“Ma-“ 

“It’s all right, Sonny. She’s entitled to her opinion.” 

“Don’t tell me what I’m entitled to in my own home, Rafael.” 

“I apologize,” Rafael says humbly. 

Sonny wants to go off. He’s able to keep a hold of his temper by a hair, but only because Rafael is maintaining perfect composure. _God knows how he’s doing it_ , Sonny thinks. 

“Like I said, we can’t talk about the case,” Sonny says, as evenly as he can. “And as a matter of fact, we both have meetings this afternoon about it. We gotta get goin’.” 

It’s a blatant falsehood, which everyone recognizes, but no one calls him on it. Dominick stands and says, “Well, before you go, Rafael, I was gonna show you that new router I got. It’s out in the garage.” 

Rafael gratefully nods and follows Dominick through the kitchen and out the back door. Carmela stands and says quietly and primly, “I’ll pack up some leftovers for you, Sonny.” 

He takes a moment to scowl at everyone in the room, Theresa in particular, before turning his back on them to go into the kitchen.

Carmela is forking slices of ham into a plastic bag. She says nothing as Sonny approaches and watches her for a moment. 

“I love him, Ma. You attack him, you attack me.” 

“Oh, don’t be so dramatic, Sonny. I didn’t attack anyone.” 

__Sonny takes a step closer and speaks very quietly. For the first time, he does nothing to hide his fury. “I’m gonna say this once. Rafael Barba is the man I’m going to marry. He’s the most wonderful man I’ve ever met. He is kind, he is decent, and he’s been bustin’ his ass to try to show you that. So you got a choice to make.”_ _

“What does that mean?” Carmela squeaks, shocked. She’s never heard this hard, cold voice Sonny only uses in interrogations. 

“It means that either we’re both welcome here, or neither of us is. Don’t test me on this, Ma. Don’t.” 

Sonny walks stiffly across the room and out the back door, leaving his mother standing, open-mouthed, holding a plastic bag full of ham. 

__He’s quiet on the way home to Manhattan. Rafael tries to talk to him about what happened, but Sonny just holds his hand and grins weakly. “I’m sorry, Sweetheart. I won’t put you in that position again. Can we just leave it at that? Please?”_ _

Rafael agrees, but he’s unhappy about it. He’s pretty sure Sonny had words with his mother after he and Dominick went out to the garage, because Mrs. Carisi’s never let Sonny out of the house without at least two shopping bags full of leftovers. Rafael’s often teased Sonny that he should weigh four hundred pounds, the way he eats. But tonight, Sonny is empty-handed. Rafael thinks about the ring sitting, even now, tucked between carefully-arranged pairs of socks in his dresser. He can’t propose when things are like this. It wouldn’t be fair to Sonny, and it’s likely to disrupt the whole family. He’s just got to work harder to convince Mrs. Carisi to stop hating him. 

If that’s even possible. 

There’s a quiet voice that’s begun to whisper to Rafael that, if it isn’t, it won’t be her or Sonny that has to make a choice. 

It will be him. 

**___________________________________**

Over the next weeks, the Terrence Reynolds case continues to cause problems for Rafael and Sonny. This time, it has nothing to do with Sonny’s family. Despite their feelings for each other, Rafael and Sonny are never going to agree on what happened that night. And now, Rafael has no choice but to call Sonny to testify before the grand jury in the case. They keep to their agreement not to talk about it at home, but they can’t just cut off their thoughts and feelings when they walk through their door. Worse, Rafael is under tremendous pressure from City Hall to make the case against the three cops. Between his bosses and his boyfriend, the strain on Rafael is becoming unbearable. 

At the hearing, Sonny testifies as expected, saying that the shooting was justified because the circumstances constituted a cop in danger. 

“To your knowledge, was any officer actually in danger at that moment?” Barba asks. 

Sonny tries to be unemotional as he responds, “They were on the heels of someone they believed to be an armed and violent rapist, so yeah, that would constitute danger.” 

Rafael’s having none of it. He can’t. He has to get an indictment against the three officers, even if it means putting further stress on his relationship with Sonny. Besides, Sonny’s stubborn adherence to the blue code in the face of the actual evidence is infuriating. “If the suspect was much younger than the actual rapist, unarmed, and innocent, what would that constitute?” 

“Hindsight,” Sonny snaps, looking at Rafael with eyes blazing defiance. 

They’re so angry with one another that Sonny’s glad, in a way, for the distraction of the Gary Munson case. It’s instantly political and insanely tricky to try to make a case against a Corrections Officer. There is, of course, no proof that he’s been raping inmates. There’s only his word, and the word of every other member of the CO’s union, against the word of a few female inmates whom they claim would sell their mothers for a cigarette. 

The case keeps the SVU squad very busy, while Barba’s preparing the case against the three cops. Sonny and Rafael barely see one another. Meanwhile, there is deafening silence from Staten Island. Sonny doesn’t get a single text from his mother, or even from any of his sisters. 

Sonny has no idea how to feel when the grand jury hands down Barba’s indictment against the cops. He wants to be proud of Rafael, and he is, even though Sonny did his best to prevent the indictment. On the other hand, he’s a cop, and he believes it was a righteous shoot. He has to stand by his brothers in blue. 

Things do not get better in the Barba/Carisi household. 

Weeks pass, and still Sonny’s family remains silent. He will never regret standing up for Rafael, but Sonny wishes he could have handled things better with his Ma. He feels stupid and mean for giving her an ultimatum. Sonny’s probably ruined any chance for her to really get to know Rafael and care for him for his own sake. Probably the best he can hope for now is for his Ma to tolerate Rafael. 

By now, Rafael knows that he’s caused a full-blown rift in Sonny’s family. Along with everything else going on, at work and at home, that bothers him the most. Rafael feels guilty and ashamed that he’s put the man he loves, and his entire family, in that position. The voice telling him this state of affairs is not sustainable, which started out quiet, is screaming now. 

**_______________________________________________**

Feeling confused and unsettled, Sonny accepts an invitation to attend a gathering to commiserate with the three cops who shot Terrence Reynolds. They’re out on bail, and their fellow officers want to rally around them. For a while, the talk is just supportive. There’s a lot of “hang in there” and some good-natured ribbing. Just brother cops, being there for each other. But then it gets ugly. 

“Fucking Barba,” one of the detectives says, and Sonny wonders whether anyone around this table is aware of his and Barba’s relationship. 

In a few minutes, it becomes clear they’re not, because they begin to absolutely crucify Rafael. Sonny listens impassively, understanding why they feel the way they do. The three cops are in a very bad place, and the press and the public are eviscerating the NYPD right now, with no desire to even try to understand what it’s really like on the street. 

He stops understanding when the threats begin. 

They’re veiled at first. “Too bad that prosecutor doesn’t have an accident or something,” one of the detectives snarls. 

“Wouldn’t make any difference,” Sonny replies, trying to sound calm and stop any further talk like that. “The DA would just appoint somebody else.” 

There’s general grumbling, and for a moment the conversation veers away from Barba. Sonny breathes a sigh of relief. He really didn’t like hearing his fellow cops talk like that. 

“That right, Carisi?” 

Sonny’s attention is drawn across the table to a detective he’s just met tonight. “Huh?” 

“That ADA, Barba. He works primarily with Manhattan SVU, right? You must know him.” 

“I do.” 

“So, Maclan here was saying he’s supposed to be some kinda hotshot. That right?” 

__“Yeah,” Sonny answers. “Yeah, he is.”_ _

“Somebody oughtta take a baseball bat to that asshole.” Someone says. 

“Yeah. Get rid of him, maybe we’d get someone a little better for our side.” 

Sonny blanches. “Hey, guys, c’mon. Let’s not go there.” 

“Screw that, Carisi, I’ll go there,” one of the accused detectives says, throwing back the rest of a tumbler of whiskey he isn’t supposed to be drinking while out on bail. “I’d love to see that prick taken out. I’d be willin’ to fuckin’ pull the trigger.” 

Sonny’s sickened. He’s afraid for Rafael, and actually a little frightened for himself. He knows it’s not going to take long for everyone in the NYPD to know he and Rafael are together, now that the whole department is out for Barba’s blood. He doesn’t think they’d turn on one of their own, but… Sonny excuses himself and leaves shortly afterward, still hearing snippets of conversation he doesn’t want to believe.

  


Rafael’s sitting at the dining table, laptop open, finishing the last bite of a cold sandwich he’s barely tasted. He’s been here a while, and he’s got hours of work ahead of him. But he’s having trouble concentrating. He keeps seeing the entire Carisi family staring at him like he’s the Grim Reaper, and hearing Sonny’s mother’s voice as she tells him what she thinks of him prosecuting the police officers.

And he’s seeing Sonny’s face as he stood his ground at the grand jury hearing. He was magnificent: beautiful and angry and proud. Rafael wants to laugh at himself for being so lovesick. If only it was that simple. 

Sonny and his family belong together. They were happy before Rafael came along. Now Sonny hasn’t heard from them in weeks. He knows for a fact Sonny didn’t go to Staten Island the last two Sundays. And that’s Rafael’s fault. Sonny’s family is his bedrock, and Rafael, the man who claims to love him, is hiding an engagement ring he can’t give Sonny for fear of destroying that for him.

Rafael sighs hugely as he hears Sonny’s key scrape against the lock. 

He nods and grunts as Sonny enters, but there’s no kiss or hug of greeting. In fact, he’s surprised when Sonny comes to sit at the table next to him. 

When Rafael looks up, Sonny notices that he looks tired and drawn. 

“You OK?” Rafael asks. 

__“I- Not really. I had drinks with some cops tonight. Including Dumas, Campisi, and Donlan.”_ _

Rafael sighs and looks away. 

“No, Rafael, I’m not lookin’ for a fight. It’s somethin’ else. I need you to know, they’re pretty pissed. That whole unit. I heard some stuff tonight. Just… Be careful. Will you?” 

“What are you telling me?” 

“Please, Sweetheart. Don’t ask me for details. Just… know they’re pissed and keep an eye out. I’m not sayin’ they’d do anything, I’m just… concerned. I know this case is takin’ a toll on us, but I love you. Same as always.” 

Sonny doesn’t understand the expression on Rafael’s face. He would swear that Rafael starts to tell him something. But when he stops himself and, instead, takes Sonny’s hand, Sonny doesn’t press. 

“I’ve missed you,” Rafael says. 

“Me, too. But I’ve been right here. I’m always gonna be right here, no matter what.” 

Rafael’s eyes go soft, and Sonny realizes in that moment that the pressure on Rafael is even worse than he’s imagined. He feels a flush of guilt for making it worse, as well as a wave of protectiveness that has him reaching for Rafael even as Rafael reaches for him. 

They only make it as far as the couch. The sex is hungry and frantic, though it’s none the less hot for that. Sonny needs to know that, as tough as things are right now, the two of them are still solidly together. He doesn’t know what it is Rafael needs, although he suspects it’s the same thing. All he knows is that Rafael clings to him, buries his face in Sonny’s neck and, for the first time, he is the one who asks for more time wrapped up in each other afterward. 

Rafael knows he should tell Sonny about the other threats. That guy in the leather jacket on the courthouse steps after the arraignment... But he doesn’t know how. What the hell had he been thinking, giving that guy their address? He’d just snapped. All the stress of making sure the cops were indicted, the tension between himself and Sonny, and now this bullshit with the Correctional Officers’ union… When he realized that the little fuck was really threatening him, he just saw red and went off before he could think about it. It was stupid enough on his own behalf, but how the hell could he put Sonny in danger like that? 

Rafael’s ashamed, and exhausted, and he’s been so afraid that everything they’re going through would drive a wedge between himself and Sonny that, when Sonny looked at him like that, it was over. He’s never needed him like he does tonight. Rafael knows he should continue working on the case. He has to be sure that CO, Munson, is remanded so that he can’t hurt anyone else. But he can’t make himself let go of the man he loves. 

They doze for a while on the couch. When he’s awakened by Sonny moving off of him, he’s relieved that all Sonny does is turn off the lights before reaching a hand out to him. They don’t do any of their usual nighttime rituals. They just get into bed and fall asleep in each other’s arms. 

Life is rough right now, in a bunch of different ways. Sonny’s mixed up and on edge about the Reynolds shooting. Rafael is terrified of Sonny’s family situation getting worse. But between Sonny and Rafael, there is no uncertainty. There is this deep, sure love that grounds them both even while the rest of the world is a mess. As long as they’re together, they’re safe. At least for tonight. 

**_________________________________________**

Two days later, the threats get too real for Rafael to keep them to himself. Unbelievably, the head of the CO’s union and the union’s lawyer, supposedly the good guys, make point blank threats against Barba and the witnesses against Munson. _In the courthouse._ Barba brazens that one out somehow, but it all comes crashing down when, that afternoon, that same cocky little shit in the leather jacket corners him in the elevator. 

Sonny is livid. He sits on Rafael’s desk, glaring down at him. There is no question that both Sonny and Rollins take the threats seriously. Both understand what he’s saying when Rafael asks them to make sure the cops who are sent to guard him are people they trust. 

Sonny sends Amanda out to talk with Carmen so that he and Rafael can have a moment together. Rafael’s expecting a lecture. Instead, Sonny takes him in his arms and whispers, “I love you.” 

“I love you, too.” 

“If I had my way, I’d be bundlin’ you into my squad car right this minute and whiskin’ you off to a romantic, bulletproof cabin in the wilds of Maine.” 

“I’m afraid of bears.” 

“Shut up, Barba,” Sonny sighs, crushing Rafael to him. 


	5. Everything Means Nothing

Everything changes when Gary Munson kills Mike Dodds. Sonny and Dodds have been close since the day Dodds came to SVU, and Mike’s death completely upends Sonny’s world. Suddenly, nothing is sure. Seeing a young, ridiculously healthy guy like Dodds just be snuffed out like that rocks Sonny to his core. The bottom drops out of his world and he’s falling, flailing, reaching out for something to solid to cling to. What he finds is Rafael, arms wide, strong and steady and ready to catch him. 

Rafael holds him while he cries. He rubs Sonny’s back and tells him, over and over, how much he loves him. He gives Sonny brandy and makes him grilled cheese and tomato soup, the Carisi cure for a broken heart. All of their problems are still out there, but here in their apartment, Rafael makes Sonny feel completely safe, wrapping him in the warm solidity of his love.

Sonny is one of Mike’s pallbearers, and it’s one of the hardest things he’s ever had to do. He looks for Rafael and, finding him in the crowd, takes strength and comfort from his presence. Afterward, they go together to the tavern where everyone’s raising glasses in Mike’s honor, and whenever things get rough for Sonny that afternoon, all he has to do is return to where Barba sits patiently the whole time, and they talk quietly together until Sonny gets a hold of himself again.

It's that night that Sonny finally breaks down and calls his parents. He’s in the bedroom, while Rafael’s working on his laptop at the dining table. Because he’s working, there’s no music and the television is silent. That’s why Rafael hears most of the conversation, or at least Sonny’s side of it.

“It’s been rough, yeah. That’s kinda why I called. I just… needed to talk to you. I watched a mother and father bury their son today, and it was… I need to apologize to you, Ma, and make things right. I really need us to be okay.“

There’s a silence, apparently while one of Sonny’s parents speaks. 

“Yeah, exactly,” Sonny continues. “You never know. And I wouldn’t want anything to happen and have my last words to you be somethin’ lousy I said when I was mad.”

There’s another pause.

“I know, Ma. I’m sorry, too. I shouldn’t’a said what I said.” Sonny’s voice is emotional as he finishes, and then he listens to the response.

“I know I haven’t been to Sunday dinner for a few weeks. I’ll come out this week for sure.”

Sonny listens. 

“I don’t know, Ma. He’ll come if he can, but he’s got a lot goin’ on right now… He’ll be with me if-“

Sonny listens some more, and then makes a small, agitated grunt. 

“Ma, please. Let’s not talk about that right now. I don’t wanna fight. I just needed to tell you I love you, and I don’t want us to be not talkin’ to each other. That’s why I called.”

There’s a very long silence after that. After a few minutes, Rafael hears Sonny sniffle and then the sound of him blowing his nose. “Thanks, Pop. That’s really good to hear. I needed that. ‘Cause you’re my family, and…” Sonny can’t go on.

The next pause is shorter while one of his parents apparently comforts him. Sonny says, “I’m really glad, you guys. Rafael’s been great; I can’t even tell you. I feel like he carried me through the whole thing. But I need you guys, too.”

For the next few minutes, Rafael hears Sonny utter a series of short comments. After that, the conversation moves to lighter topics. From Sonny’s responses, it sounds like Sonny’s parents start to share some gossip about some neighbor or family member. The rest of the call is an entirely unremarkable conversation between Sonny and his parents. For the next half hour or so, he responds to whatever they’re telling him, laughing quietly from time to time. 

The whole thing breaks Rafael’s heart. 

Because Sonny’s voice is Sonny’s voice again. Until Rafael heard the difference, he hadn’t fully known how hard the rift with his family has been on Sonny. But he does now. The palpable lightening in Sonny’s spirits clearly shows that he’s been been missing them much more than he’s let Rafael see. 

Rafael understands now that Sonny’s reached out to them tonight, throwing himself on their mercy, because all that Rafael could do has not been enough to get him through Mike Dodds’ death. And one phone call with the family that sustains him has already made all the difference. 

Rafael’s relieved and grateful to the Carisis for that.

He also knows, just from Sonny’s side of the conversation, that even Sonny’s apology and heartfelt acknowledgement of how much he needs his family has done nothing to soften Mrs. Carisi toward Rafael.

He doesn’t know how he keeps himself from flying apart in a million pieces. He thinks this moment might kill him if he lets it. Because there’s no escaping it now. He’s been so afraid of this for so long, it seems like it shouldn’t feel like a shock. But it feels like a baseball bat to his midsection. It feels like the end of the world.

**_________________________________________**

Sonny is a trained detective, and intuitive to boot. He knows that something has changed in Rafael, and in their relationship. Rafael has always been affectionate and demonstrative, and regularly tells Sonny he loves him. But he’s never been clingy. His lovemaking has never had the desperate edge it has now, as though any minute Sonny will be torn from his arms. He’s certainly never pleaded urgently for Sonny to reassure him that he knows Rafael loves him. 

Over the next few days, Sonny asks him a thousand times what’s wrong. Rafael denies anything has changed. Which pisses Sonny off, because Sonny knows the man who has been the center of his life for the past two years. Rafael’s brush-offs and sharp one-liners haven’t hurt Sonny since they were trying to fight their attraction. This does. 

On the second night after Sonny’s call to his parents, they’re lying together, sweaty and sated, having just recovered their breath after another urgent coupling during which Rafael clung to Sonny as though it was the last time. Sonny uses his fingers to tip Rafael’s face to his and looks into green eyes Sonny would swear are full of grief.

“I wish you would tell me what’s goin’ on with you. And please don’t say nothing’s changed.”

Rafael leans in and tries to kiss him.

“Please, Rafael. You’re scaring me.”

“I love you,” Rafael says. “We’re both right here.” Which isn’t an answer.

“You used to trust me,” Sonny says, knowing he’s pulling out the big guns. So be it. This time, he’s determined to find out what’s wrong.

“Oh, _Amado_ , I trust you.” Rafael’s near tears. It’s not particularly sudden, because he’s been emotional for days. “Please, don’t ever think I don’t trust you, or love you. These past two years, with you, have been like a dream. I never imagined having what we’ve had.”

Sonny fires, point blank. “Then tell me why you’re talking in the past tense.”

It’s the pause that confirms, as clearly as words would, all of Sonny’s suspicions. He moves away from Rafael and sits up. “Are you… Are we…?”

But all Rafael does is roll onto his back and blow out a lungful of air as he focuses on the ceiling. 

“I deserve an answer, Rafael.”

“Yes. You do.” He doesn’t go on for several minutes, and Sonny doesn’t help him. Sonny uses one of the most effective interrogation techniques he knows, which is to let an uncomfortable silence go on until the suspect is compelled to fill it.

“I love you,” Rafael begins.

“I love you, too.”

“I’d never willingly hurt you. I’d kill anyone who tried.”

“But…?”

“But I _am_ hurting you. Me. I’m a wedge between you and your family, and it’s not getting better. It’s not going to.”

Sonny’s response comes out in a torrent of pressured words. “That’s what this is about? Rafael, I choose you. Ma’s full of shit. You’ve done everything; you’ve gone so far above and beyond! She’s just determined to hate you, and I have no idea why, but it doesn’t matter. I told her if she pushed me to make a choice-“

“No, Sonny.” The tortured defeat in Rafael’s voice cuts Sonny off and sends a firestorm of fear surging through him. For several moments, Sonny just tries to calm his racing heart.

“Holy shit,” he is finally able to whisper. “You’ve already made up your mind. You’re leaving me.”

Sonny’s words are a plea. He’s begging Rafael to tell him he’s wrong. 

“Sonny, they’re your family. They know you better than I ever could. If they say I won’t make you happy, then maybe… Maybe they’re seeing something we don’t. They don’t think I’m good enough for you, and maybe they’re right. The thing is, you need them. They’re who you are, your cornerstone, _mi amor_. I won’t let you choose me over them.”

“Don’t you dare fucking tell me you’re breaking up with me for my own good!”

Rafael sits up and faces Sonny. He’d rather be looking at a firing squad than the pain in Sonny’s beautiful face, but Sonny deserves that respect, at least. “The fact is, _Cariño_ , romance fades. Relationships get tough, and they don’t always survive. But family? Blood? I don’t have to tell you about those things. They’re forever, no matter how ugly things get sometimes. Some people can split with their families over a relationship, but not you. Never you.”

“That’s just altruistic bullshit! What do you want, you want me to assure you I can survive without them? Of course I can! I been doin’ it! You don’t get to make this choice for me, Rafael. It’s not even my choice, it’s theirs. All you gotta do is-“

“All I have to do is love you. I have no choice, you’re in my blood. I couldn’t stop if I tried. Can we just leave it at that for tonight?” Rafael watches Sonny’s eyes in the dim light coming in through the window. 

“Please tell me you’re not gonna leave me,” Sonny says desperately as he practically flings himself at Rafael, laying them down and pulling Rafael close in his arms. He actually pins Rafael’s legs with one of his own, throwing it over the top of them and curling it around them.

“I’m right here,” Rafael murmurs into Sonny’s hair. 

Which, again, isn’t what Sonny asked for, but it’s all Rafael can give him. He has no idea where he’s going to get the strength to walk away from this man. He just knows it’s what he has to do if he truly loves Sonny.

And he does.

**________________________________________**

The guy in the leather jacket, who threatened Rafael, turns out to be named Heredia. When they finally catch him, Rafael has to go in to the Precinct house to make a positive identification. Sonny tells Rafael what they know about the man. Rafael’s disgusted, but not surprised. Truthfully, though, it’s hard for him to care.

It’s been a few days since their conversation about their future, and things have changed. Now it’s Sonny who’s fragile and distressed, because Rafael’s doing everything he can to begin to distance himself. It hurts more than Rafael would ever have imagined, and he’s come to the conclusion that it’s hopeless to try to do this gently. He’s going to have to just bite the bullet and move out. The very idea makes it hard to breathe.

“Still want to be an ADA?” Rafael asks wearily, as Sonny escorts him out of the squad room. This isn’t the first time he’s been threatened because of his job, and it won’t be the last. Sonny should know what he’s getting into. “I heard there’s an opening in Brooklyn.”

Rafael knows the answer, but Sonny repeats it anyway. Especially after Dodds’ death, Sonny’s decided to stay at SVU for a while longer.

Rafael sighs and pats him on the chest as he walks past him and out of the squad room. “I get it,” he says, in the saddest voice Sonny’s ever heard him use. “In the end, we’re all just passing through.” 

Sonny stands, stunned and unable to react. It hits him like a bomb. The look in Rafael’s eyes, the defeat in his voice, and those sad, hopeless words, all add up to goodbye. Everything in him wants to turn and run after Rafael, to beg him to deny it, and plead with him to stay. But he doesn’t, because he knows. 

It’s already too late. 

Rafael robotically takes the actions that get him home to their apartment. For a moment, he actually fools himself that maybe… He even boots up his laptop. He realizes about fifteen minutes later that he hasn’t moved or even looked at the screen. He also notices he’s crying.

He gets up and goes into the bedroom he shares with Sonny. He stands looking at the bed, remembering a thousand toothy smiles with those adorable crinkles around stunning blue eyes. He thinks about all the “I love you’s” that have been uttered in that bed, and all the low, growly smut. A hundred snippets of memory - sweaty embraces and passionate thrusts – flash through his mind.

It hurts too much. He turns away and reaches into his dresser, pulling out the small, square box that’s been hidden there for months now. He wonders what he’ll do with this ring now. He practically doubles over, just letting the tears fall onto his thighs and staring at the gleaming gold. It would have looked so beautiful on Sonny’s long, elegant finger. Rafael had imagined seeing Sonny, in everyday moments in the squad room or just the kitchen, wearing his ring. It would have been heaven. 

Rafael’s gone when Sonny gets home. It’s what Sonny expected to find, but it still knocks the air out of him. He sits down, hard, on the bench just inside the door. Lucia gave them this bench. She’d been full of fire on the day she found it, bragging about what a great deal she’d bargained for. Sonny hiccups a tiny sob as it hits him that he hasn’t just lost Rafael. He’s lost Lucia, too. 

He sees the note on the dining table, but he doesn’t read it right away. Instead, he wanders through the apartment, just standing in each room, remembering. Letting it wash over him how deliriously happy he has been here. He knows he’s submerging himself in the pain, surrounding himself with it and pulling it over his head until it covers him entirely. He doesn’t even try to stop. It would be useless, anyway. 

All the note says, when he finally finds the courage to read it, is “I’m sorry. I love you.”

In his mind, Sonny crumples it up and throws it at the opposite wall of the living room. But he doesn’t actually even touch it. 

His Ma is going to be so sympathetic. She’ll never say “I told you so.” She doesn’t, not when it’s something that matters. She’ll hug and kiss him like he’s five, and she’ll feed him until he’s uncomfortably stuffed, then send him home with enough leftovers for a week. And then she’ll never mention Rafael’s name again, unless Sonny brings him up first. At least Rafael got that part right. With him gone, Sonny’s family will ecstatically welcome him back into the fold. His sisters will be merciless, savaging Rafael, because they’re loyal to Sonny. He’ll have to insist that they keep from ripping Rafael to shreds where he can hear them. He can’t stop them, but at least he doesn’t have to listen to it.

**________________________________________________**

Lucia Barba is a good, kind woman who loves her son unconditionally. She’s been by his side though all the tragedies of his life, big and small, and she knows what he needs. Right now, he needs quiet and unquestioning acceptance. He needs to relax into the solace of her reassuring presence, in this apartment where he feels safe and loved, where thinking and speaking only in Spanish somehow comforts him. 

He can only stay tonight; he can’t very well commute from the Bronx and he’s too independent for that, anyway. Lucia knows her Rafi; she knows what he’ll do. He’ll stay in some hotel like a fugitive, hole up and lick his wounds. But she’ll be patient. He’ll tell her what happened between him and Sonny when he’s ready, and then she’ll see. 

**_________________________________________________**

Sunday dinner is the most excruciating, exhausting experience of Sonny’s life. He thought he’d just get it over with, tell the family that Rafael’s left him and brace for their reaction. He knows they’ll have to get that out of their systems, there’s no avoiding it. But after that, he’ll get what he came for. They’ll tell him they love him, they’ll assure him there are plenty of fish in the sea, and they’ll find reasons to hug him or put a soothing hand on his shoulder all day long. That’s what he wants, what he needs. 

But somehow, even though they do all of those things, he still feels like all the skin has been flayed from his body and every nerve ending lays open and exposed. Everything hurts. He can’t do anything about the tears that fill his eyes most of the time, which his family kindly ignores except to slip him tissues without a word. (All of the Carisi kids have had their hearts broken, and there’s a protocol.) The only time he isn’t drowning in sorrow is when Bella’s husband Tommy and Gina’s boyfriend Ted insist on a pickup basketball game in the driveway. Neither of them can deal with emotions, and this is all they can think of to do for Sonny. He’s grateful. He even smiles a couple times, and laughs at some of Tommy’s truly horrible insults. 

He stays longer than usual, because he knows what awaits him at home. The idea of spending another night in the screaming silence of that apartment, empty and yet crowded with ghosts, is almost unbearable. So it’s getting to be dusk when he finds himself standing next to his Ma, drying the last of Grandma Carisi’s china. 

Carmela pours coffee into two mugs, one of which is a souvenir from Atlantic City, and the other says “Italians do it better.” She hands him Atlantic City and jerks her head toward the kitchen table. The scarred formica somehow comforts Sonny, reminding him of simpler times. It’s good to be home. 

“Do you hate me?” Carmela asks quietly when they sit down. 

“No, Ma, I do not hate you. I love you for bein’ protective.” He laughs harshly. “I guess everybody’s tryna protect me, huh? No matter what _I_ want.” 

“Sonny, I’m sorry for what you’re goin’ through. I know you think it’s my fault, and maybe it is. Maybe I’m wrong about Rafael. But I can’t love you less than I do. I’m your mother. I see you headed for danger, I can’t help trying to pull you back.” 

“Except that I was never in danger, Ma. He was everything I ever wanted.” Sonny covers his sob by blowing his nose energetically. “I dunno, maybe this is for the best. Maybe you’re right, and all this about comin’ between the family is just an excuse to get rid of me. But either way, Ma, he’s still gone. And I’m still sittin’ here dyin’ inside.” 

Carmela’s hand is dry and cool on Sonny’s, and he looks at the familiar wedding rings she hasn’t taken off in forty years. “You’ll get through this, Sonny. I promise you. And you’ll find the right one. C’mon, you’re a handsome lawyer.” 

“Thanks, Ma. Listen, I’m gonna go.” 

Sonny appreciates his Ma’s attempt to comfort him, useless as it is. But he’s suddenly just too tired to avoid going home anymore. As always, he’s loaded down with bags of food when he gets the last hug and kiss as he leaves the house. 

**______________________________________________**

It’s a week before Sonny and Rafael see one another again. Sonny looks every morning for a text, and Rafael sits every morning looking at his phone, talking himself out of sending one. They’re both pale and haggard because Rafael’s not sleeping and Sonny’s sleeping too much. The short meeting in the squad room is hideous for everyone, the tension seeming to suck all the air out of the room. 

Which shocks the squad, including even Olivia. Sure, Sonny’s been looking like hell, but they all do. It’s going to be a long time before Dodds’ death doesn’t cast a pall over everything. But not one of them had any idea that Barba and Carisi had broken up. It’s a painful blow to them all, for a hundred reasons. 

To no one’s surprise, the second Barba turns the corner from the squad room, Rollins is in Carisi’s face demanding answers. Everyone has taken a step toward him, eager to know what happened. But the sharp, steely glower that instantly slams down over Carisi’s face crushes that idea in a heartbeat. 

“No,” is all he says. 

Not a word is spoken as they all return to their desks, and even Fin and Amaro don’t dare exchange a glance. 

**_______________________________________________**

They see each other again a few days later, when Sonny accompanies Olivia to Rafael’s office to discuss a case. Although Liv is very sympathetic and wants to help, she doesn’t broach the subject of their relationship with either of them. She knows them both, and they know her just as well. She knows they’ll come to her if they want to talk, and they know she’ll be there, ready with a sympathetic ear. 

Olivia is torn between hoping this meeting will change things, and dread that it will be excruciating. It’s not quite as bad as her worst fears, but it comes close. Barba mostly avoids looking at Carisi, except when he rakes him with hungry eyes any time he thinks Carisi’s not looking. God help Sonny; he doesn’t even try. He just helplessly drinks in everything about Barba the whole time they’re in his office. The meeting is dull, and stilted, and so polite that Liv wants to pull her gun, although where she’d aim it is anyone’s guess. The three of them accomplish what they need to, but by the time she and Carisi turn to leave, Olivia’s exhausted. 

She’s shocked when Carisi asks her to go on ahead, saying he’ll meet her at their squad car. The tiny flame of hope that had just about died out in her flares up a little. 

Sonny tiptoes back into Barba’s office like he thinks Barba’s lying in wait to attack him, which is how he feels. But he doesn’t think Rafael’s been back to their apartment since he left, and he’s gotta be running low on clean clothes and whatever else. Or maybe he’s never coming back to get the rest of his things. Maybe he’s so done with Sonny and his fucked-up family he’s just going to buy everything new. Sonny has no way to tell. Rafael’s never left him before. 

He catches Rafael slumped over his desk with his face buried in his hands. The handsome face that jerks up at the sound of Sonny’s entrance is ravaged. Sonny can’t help but want to comfort him; any pain on Rafael’s face hurts Sonny, and right this moment Rafael looks exactly the way Sonny feels. 

But the second he catches sight of Sonny, Rafael’s instantly stone-faced. All emotion is carefully and completely erased from his features. He can’t do anything about the dark circles or the eyes that are just a bit red-rimmed. But he’s been a trial attorney a long time. He knows how to school his expression. 

“Is there something else?” Rafael asks, voice carefully controlled. 

“Well I, uh… I didn’t know if you maybe needed anything. You know, from the apartment. I mean, I guess we need to figure out what we’re gonna do at some point.” Sonny pauses for a beat before rushing on, “Not that we need to do anything right now, I’m not sayin’ that. I don’t want you to think I… I just want you to have what you need.” 

Rafael can’t help but see that Sonny’s on the verge of tears now. Everything in him wants to launch himself at Sonny, take him in his arms and stroke his hair, croon soothing reassurance until that wretched creak in Sonny’s beloved voice goes away. 

He’s supposed to say something now. There are a million things he’s dying to say, but he can’t. _Better get used to that._ He’s going to go the rest of his life wanting to say those things, and not being able to. He fumbles for something, _anything_ that will end this unendurable moment. 

“I don’t need anything.” 

“Oh- oh, okay. Just thought I’d ask. I mean, It’s your apartment, too. And, you know, I don’t know if you want me to move out, or what. I’m not just assuming that…” Sonny’s voice dies out as he shrugs hopelessly, unable to choke out the words. 

“No, you keep the apartment if you want. I’ll figure something out. If you could just give me a little time-“ 

“Oh, of course! I’m not… No, Rafael, I’m not tryin’ to rush anything. I really just wanted to make sure you had what you need.” 

_I don’t, Sonny. Of course I don’t. I need you!_ “Yeah,” Rafael actually says, in a dead voice that punches Sonny in the gut. “I’m fine.” 

“Okay. I’ll just go, then.” 

“I’ll see you.” 

“Yeah.” 

Olivia doesn’t say anything about the tears on the way back to the Precinct house. She just pulls a wad of tissues from her jacket pocket and hands them to Sonny. Carmen, having seen Sonny’s face when he left, goes downstairs to the coffee cart and buys Rafael a mocha and a ridiculous-sized muffin. She barely contains a gasp at how destroyed he looks as she sets them on his desk. 

“I had a BOGO coupon,” she shrugs, with a pretty convincing grin. 

**_______________________________________________**

Dominick Senior is at work when there’s a ring at the doorbell. Carmela’s been trying to get a red wine stain out of the dining room rug, and she’s kind of glad for the distraction. Maybe whoever it is will have another suggestion about what to use, because nothing she’s tried has worked. 

She looks out the side window and sees a very pretty, dark-haired woman standing there, pushing her long bangs out of her eyes with one hand and holding what looks like a homemade coffee cake in the other. Carmela opens the door. 

“Listen, I’m sorry to barge in on you like this, but I think you’ll understand. My name is Lucia Barba. I’m Rafael Barba’s mother.”

Lucia holds out the coffee cake and says, “I made this for you. I hope it’ll get you to at least have a cup of coffee with me. We have things to discuss.” 

Carmela’s too surprised to do anything but mechanically obey the rules of hospitality. 

It’s awkward at first, and it doesn’t take long for Carmela to get defensive. How dare this woman come to her home? What, is she going to insist that Carmela love her son? Carmela probably has a sour look on her face, but she doesn’t care. She’s never been in a situation like this, and she’s pretty sure there’s no etiquette involved beyond no namecalling and – probably - no throwing hands. 

Out of mere instinctual politeness, she invites Lucia to have a seat in the formal living room the Carisis almost never use, but Lucia says, “I’m sure you know I’m here for a mother-to-mother chat, Carmela. May I call you Carmela?” 

“Ye-es. Of course,” she stammers. 

“Well, I think those are something that happens in a kitchen. Don’t you?” 

Carmela does. And despite herself, she likes that Lucia suggested it. It breaks the ice a little. So they go into the warm, homey Carisi kitchen, and Carmela makes a fresh pot of coffee. Once they’ve gone through the pleasantries, they get down to business. 

It takes a long time. 

**___________________________________________**

It’s a few days later, and Rafael’s had a fairly okay day. He gets some good results on the arraignment docket, even with Sonny sitting in the gallery. He manages to keep his glances at Sonny down to only a few hundred, despite the fact that Sonny’s wearing that royal blue shirt. Rafael feels a keening wail trying to force itself out of his throat the entire time, but he keeps it in. He never imagined it would hurt this much. How could he? He hadn’t known this much heartache was possible. 

He’s back in his office now and he’s negotiated three pleas this afternoon, so he’s rewarding himself by working on a Motion in Limine that he could write in his sleep. Then again, not having to engage his whole brain means there’s room to miss Sonny, the pain of which is always there, waiting to flood his mind anytime he leaves room between other thoughts. He’s scowling as he types percussively. 

“Mr. Barba?” 

Rafael looks up at Carmen, who’s in her usual position, wrapped around the doorframe. “Ms. Calhoun is here to see you.” 

Rafael smiles for the first time in a week as Rita snakes around Carmen, barging into his office without waiting for the formalities.  
Carmen disappears with a Mona Lisa smile and closes the door discreetly behind her. 

“Loosen your tie, Barba, we’re drinking.” 

“It’s only three-thirty, Rita.” 

“It’s five O’clock somewhere,” she shrugs, breezing over to the credenza where Rafael keeps his emergency stash of scotch. “Mmmm,” she hums, almost to herself. “You do like the good stuff.” 

Rafael’s still grinning a little, realizing how immensely good it is to see Rita. “To what do I owe the honor of this visit?” 

“Well, Roger Jackson, for one thing. Assault with intent, he does the minimum. Just nod; we both know you agree.” 

She shoots a look over at him and he nods reluctantly, huffing a little laugh. He really does love Rita. 

“Good. And Alex Garabedian. Make me a reasonable offer, which we will accept. That video’s not going away.” 

“Fifteen to twenty. He allocutes, registry, the whole schmear.” 

“I said reasonable,” she sneers. She tilts her head in that way she has, while she hands him a tumbler with a rather large amount of scotch in it. 

“That _is_ reasonable,” Rafael snaps back with a cocky sneer of his own. “As you say, that video’s not going away.” 

She clinks his glass with hers. “Fuck you, Barba.” 

“Good, that’s settled.”

They sit down next to one another on his leather couch. They don’t do this much, socialize at work. Their offices are where they do business. Friendship happens at the Damian Tavern. 

“Now tell me what you’re doing here.” 

“Heard you and Carisi broke up. I guess there’s some friend shit you’re supposed to do when that happens. I’d take you to the Damian, but it’s too early for dinner and if you’re going to cry or some shit, I figure you’d rather do it in private.” 

He spits out, “I’m not going to cry.” 

“You could,” she says, and suddenly all the brash bravado is gone. It’s a genuine invitation, warm and generous, made with obvious affection. 

Which is why he does cry. No one who knows either of them would recognize the broken man or the gentle, empathetic woman holding him while he weeps. 

Although neither Rafael nor Rita notice, Carmen has gone into sentinel mode. There are no phone calls or visitors to disturb them, which gives them all the time they need to sit together while Rafael pours out his heart and Rita does what she can to soothe it. By the time they leave for the tavern, Carmen’s gone home, Rafael’s pulled himself back together, and both Rafael and Rita are a little drunk. 

“Barba,” Rita slurs a bit and throws her arm across his shoulders as they walk down the street. “People like us aren’t meant to be happy. We’re the loveable curmudgeons everybody needs in their life. We’re supposed to be bitchy and sexually frustrated.” 

“That sucks.” 

“I don’t make the rules.” 

Rafael sighs and looks up at the buildings looming over them. “Maybe there’ll be an earthquake and one of these will fall on me. That’d be nice.” 

“Maybe for you, but it’d squash me, too. _I_ don’t have a broken heart.” 

“You don’t have a heart. End of sentence.” 

“Exactly. Blissful state of existence. You’re the idiot who grew one. Time to get you back to the dark side.” 

Rafael smiles for the second time that week. 

It’s not such a bad evening. At least he’s not eating from a vending machine, alone at his desk. Right now, Rafael will take what he can get. 

**_________________________________________**

Sonny gets a thousand texts a day from his sisters. Gina, especially, sends him a steady stream of jokes and memes. The more vulgar, the better. Bella sends him funny videos of people getting hurt doing some of the stupidest shit imaginable. The stupider, the better. And Theresa just sends him beefcake pictures. (Theresa has excellent taste in men.) 

Sometimes he responds to the texts. He even calls Gina once. It feels good to know they’re thinking about him, while letting him dictate the level of interaction. 

Amanda Rollins isn’t quite so discreet, but even she only asks him if he wants to talk a few times an hour. He knows she’s been through plenty of her own relationship trauma, but somehow that thought isn’t comforting. Sonny doesn’t want to hear that she knows how he feels. He doesn’t want company in his misery, telling him that there’s nothing special about the gaping hole torn in his chest. 


	6. The Only Way To Prove You Love Them

Rafael tries to make it to the Bronx once a month so that he can go to Mass with his _Mami_ and take her out to brunch. Many months, it’s the only time they see each other. This morning, he’d much rather stay in bed in his hotel room and feel sorry for himself, but she’s never let him get away with that kind of thing. She’s also pretty jealous of her time with him, so he’s not surprised when she insists. 

After Mass, she asks him to hail a cab and tells him sheepishly that she committed them to having brunch with some family friends this morning. Rafael’s too distracted to be very curious about who, and he’s also grumpily objecting to going at all. It seems cruel of her to spring this on him when she knows he’s in no mood to be social. When she gives the cabbie an address in Staten Island, Rafael gets even angrier. He can’t believe she’s really going to make him deal with people he doesn’t even know right now.

After a while, though, he runs out of steam and drops it, too listless and dejected to do anything but just stare morosely out the window. Lucia has apparently decided that spending time with people will do him good, and he knows better than to bother trying to dissuade her. He just hopes she doesn’t expect him to be charming.

He must be in worse shape than he realized, because he doesn’t smell a rat until they’re actually in the neighborhood. When he focuses his eyes and realizes they’re on the street where the Carisi house is, he’s instantly furious. And panicked.

“Mother, what are you doing?” He asks in a voice so low and threatening it would frighten anyone who wasn’t Lucia. It does frighten the driver, who’s wondering if there’s going to be a domestic dispute right here in his cab. 

“It’ll be fine,” she says, patting his hand.

 _“Mami_ , what the hell! Are you seriously planning to crash Sunday dinner at the Carisis? Why would you-“ 

“Of course we’re not crashing. We’re invited.”

“We’re _what_? No we’re not. _Mami_ , Mrs. Carisi hates me. Sonny probably hates me now. There is no way I’m doing this.” He turns to the cabbie and switches to English. “Sir, there’s been a mistake -“

“Hush, Rafi. I’m your _Mami_. After all these years, you should’ve learned to trust me by now.”

“ _Trust_ you? This is the textbook definition of deception! Of… of… betrayal!”

“Good grief, the drama. Get out of the cab, Rafi.”

“No.”

Lucia turns to Rafael with the first flash of annoyance she’s shown during his tantrum. “Sonny is in there, and by now he knows you’re out here. Are you really going to drive away and leave him wondering?”

“ _Mami_ , I left him! And I did it for very good reasons. All of whom are in that house, by the way.”

“I know. You told me. But I fixed all that.”

“You-“ Rafael gapes incredulously, shaking with… something. He has no idea what all emotions are in the pack that’s attacking him right this minute.

“So now all you have to do is walk in and make up with the man you love.”

“But I… He… And his mother! You know they’re all in there, I can’t just… walk in there and…”

“Yes. You can. And if you love Sonny, you will. And if you feel like an idiot, if it’s more public than you like to be with your heart, I’m sorry about that. But you listen to me, Rafael. If he’s the man you want to marry, you better be willing to endure a little discomfort for him. Now, are you coming, or not?”

Lucia gets out of the cab, standing tall and, incidentally, leaving Rafael to pay the fare. He doesn’t even try to do the math, just pulls out enough bills to cover the numbers glowing on the meter and a few more, handing them blindly to the driver while he tries to think.

Sonny doesn’t really care about the little dresser his Pop’s making for Bella and Tommy’s daughter. But then, these days, he doesn’t have much enthusiasm about anything, so he dutifully follows his father and Tommy out to the garage workshop. He nods and makes all the right comments. His Pop’s doing his usual impeccable job. The decals Bella found for it are pretty cute. It’ll be nice when it’s done, he supposes. 

He’s a little relieved when they go back in the house, because there’ll be more people to make conversation. Less attention on him. He’s not much company these days, he knows. He thinks as he steps through the back door that he’ll have some more coffee. Maybe that will give him a little energy.

And then he’s looking at the only man he really wants to see, and the last one he ever expected.

Rafael’s standing together with Sonny’s Ma, and she’s holding both his hands in hers and looking up at him like she’s just proposed. She’s a picture of tearful urging, and Rafael looks thunderstruck. 

Every eye turns to Sonny. All sound and movement stop. Sonny’s frozen to the spot, eyes locked with Rafael’s, unable to move a muscle. But his thoughts are suddenly rocketing along far too fast to make sense of. They’re pinging off the sides of his skull and colliding, twisting together into an impossible knot he’ll never untangle. It’s a horrible combination, like being strapped down and then shot full of adrenaline.

It’s Lucia who breaks the spell. She steps into the kitchen, wearing a tasteful red suit and smiling. “Oh, there you are,” she says, and hugs Sonny as though entirely unaware of the seismic events occurring in the room. He can only move automatically to return the hug. He can’t tear his eyes from Rafael’s. 

“Your mother invited us for dinner,” Lucia explains lightly. 

“I did,” Carmela offers, shaking off the stunned trance everyone’s fallen into. She and Lucia share a look that tells Sonny everything.

Behind him, Dominick nudges his son. “Out of the way. Lemme say hello.”

Sonny’s father shakes hands with Rafael’s mother, and they make pleasant small talk while Sonny continues to question Rafael with his eyes, and Rafael continues to… Well, if Sonny had to guess, he’d say Rafael’s silently begging. For what, he can’t imagine, but God knows whatever it is, Sonny will kill or die to get it for him.

Carmela gently nudges Rafael out of her way as she turns back to the stove to finish whatever she’s doing. She doesn’t push him toward Sonny, exactly, just out of the way. But it’s a small kitchen, and there are several people in it. So Sonny finds himself standing next to Rafael, who still has Sonny’s blue eyes anchored in his green ones. 

“I think…” Rafael’s voice is gravelly and he has to begin again. “I think our mothers…”

“Yeah,” Sonny agrees. 

There’s a moment when they’re deciding between saying everything in a room full of people, or saying nothing, but the choice is taken away when Sonny’s mother announces brightly, “Dinner’s ready! Everybody to the table!”

They don’t seat Sonny and Rafael next to each other, or even directly across from each other. Seating has, of course, been discussed _ad nauseum_ between Carmela and Lucia, who have decided to place Lucia between them on the same side of the table. Which means they can’t really look directly at each other unless they work at it. 

Sonny and Rafael know full well they’ve been set up. Both of them, knowing their mothers, fully understand that nothing – absolutely nothing – about this situation hasn’t been meticulously planned. 

Sonny’s Ma looks a little anxious, while Rafael’s _Mami_ just looks smug. Dominick Senior looks secretly amused. Sonny’s siblings are as surprised as he and Rafael are, and just about bursting out of their skins with gleeful fascination, but a little afraid of the mothers. They somehow just understand that they’re not allowed to comment. 

Rafael knows exactly what he wants. So does Sonny. What they don’t know is what they’re going to do about it, because neither knows what the other wants. And they certainly can’t talk about it here at the Carisi Sunday dinner table. 

There’s the usual amount of discussion during the meal which, as always, includes a critique of Father Ignacio’s sermon, as well as reports on how everyone’s week went. Tommy complains about his boss, and Gina tells a story about some cranky client. Theresa takes the opportunity to embarrass Sonny’s niece Mia by bragging about her grades, which have just come out. There’s talk about politics, although nothing about the Terrence Reynolds case or Gary Munson. Lucia tells them all about the charter school of which she’s principal. Bella and Gina get into an argument over whether two movie stars used to be married to each other, which Dominick finally silences with a look and instructions to Google it after dinner, if it’s so damned important. 

Rafael eats almost nothing and offers little commentary. There’s nothing of the raconteur about him today. Sonny eats, but remains entirely silent except to answer direct questions.

The meal seems to Sonny to last longer than any dinner, ever. When everyone surely has to be done eating, Gina’s boyfriend launches into narrating the plot of the movie they saw the night before. Sonny actually growls. He swears he hears his sisters snicker, but he doesn’t catch any of them at it. 

“That reminds me of the novel I just finished- _Ow_!” Lucia cries. “Rafi, be careful where you put your feet. So there were these three brothers…” 

By the time it’s over, Sonny’s holding in a scream and Rafael has mentally murdered each person at the table at least twice. All they want is to talk to one another. Rafael needs so desperately to fall to his knees and beg Sonny’s forgiveness that he’s about to do it in front of everyone. Sonny has just decided to do exactly that. He’ll tell Rafael that he loves him and beg him to come home, crush him in his arms and cry, then kiss him stupid. The family will just have to deal.

That’s when Dominick decides to show some mercy. He’s pretty sure the family would be perfectly happy to natter on for another hour, just to amuse themselves at Sonny and Rafael’s expense. It is pretty funny watching them writhing in impatience, but enough is enough.

“Mets game’s about to start,” he grunts, standing. “Excellent dinner, Carmela, thank you. Sonny, Rafael, you’re on K.P.”

They’re both up as though ejected from their chairs. There may or may not be stifled giggles from one or more of the Carisi sisters. Sonny finds that he’s actually shaking, and has to be extra careful as he loads his arms with dishes to carry to the kitchen.

The family deserts the dining room for the living room, which means they’re two rooms away from the kitchen. It’s not subtle, but Sonny and Rafael don’t even notice that, or the looks they get from their retreating family members. 

But now that the moment’s finally here, they both find themselves tongue-tied, too nervous and afraid to begin. This is their chance. If they don’t get this right…

For a while, there’s only the barest minimum of communication as Sonny and Rafael clear the table. Even as they deal with the leftovers, they just mutter an occasional, “Excuse me” as they pass each other, and they’re excruciatingly careful not to touch.

But eventually, there’s nothing else to do but stand side by side at the sink. Every time they’ve done this, Rafael has washed, and Sonny dried, so that’s what they do now. Sonny finds himself, towel in hand, looking at Rafael as he waits for him to hand over the first clean dish. Rafael’s paying rapt attention to the task at hand, but Sonny’s not fooled.

Rafael tries a look at Sonny as he hands him a wet plate, careful not to touch his hands. 

“Our moms, they’re terrifying together,” Sonny finally says.

Rafael smiles at the sudsy water. His little laugh sends shivers down Sonny’s spine. “They are. We should have foreseen that, and made sure they never met.”

They both grin a little as Rafael hands Sonny another plate.

“What’d my Ma say to you?” Sonny asks.

Rafael doesn’t look up. “When?”

“You were talking when I came in. She was holding your hands. What was she saying?”

“She was thanking me for coming today. She said she hadn’t been fair to me, and she asked me to give her another chance.”

“So you knew?” 

Rafael looks up at Sonny then. “I had absolutely no idea until the cab turned onto your block. Did you?”

“Nobody said a word. I actually think only our parents knew. Which is smart, ‘cause my sisters, they’re not exactly discreet.”

Rafael smiles at Sonny, just a little. It’s instantly Sonny’s favorite expression on his face, ever.

Sonny’s hands, which have slowed down as the plate he’s drying has faded from his consciousness, now still completely. He looks hard at Rafael, who is pretending to go back to washing dishes. “What’d you say? To my Ma?”

“I didn’t get a chance to say anything,” Rafael answers, trying to sound casual and failing hard. “That’s when you came in.”

“Rafael.” 

It seems to take a long time for Rafael to turn and face Sonny.

“What are you _gonna_ say?” 

Their eyes lock again, the connection as inescapable as it had been earlier, and Rafael doesn’t answer for a moment. The begging look is in his eyes again, and Sonny sets down the plate and towel he’s holding. He takes a tentative step closer, and feels a thousand things as Rafael takes one, too. There’s now a mere six inches or so between them, and suddenly they’re holding hands. Rafael’s are wet and soapy, a fact that’s lost on both of them.

“I’m going to say that I’m sorry, too,” Rafael answers huskily, because he’s talking around the lump in his throat. “Because I’m an idiot, and I hurt her son, and it was the worst mistake I ever made. And then I’m going to tell her that I’m going to ask you to marry me, and see what she thinks about that.”

Sonny swallows a sob. “And if she says no?”

“Then I’m going to keep buying her flowers and doing the dishes and complimenting her cooking until she says yes. Because there’s nothing I won’t do to spend the rest of my life with you.”

“Are you… Do you really wanna marry me?” It comes out a whisper.

“Yes, I want to marry you. I want everything with you, Sonny.”

It’s hard to kiss and cry at the same time, they find. Tears make the kisses salty, and there’s sniffling, which is a little bit gross. And their tears make wet spots on each other’s shirts when they clutch one another so hard it hurts a little bit, and bury their faces in each other.

“Please come home, Rafael. Please,” Sonny chokes out, breathing the request into Rafael’s hair. 

“Let’s go now,” Rafael murmurs into Sonny’s neck. “It’s where your ring is.”

Sonny pulls back just enough to look down into Rafael’s tear-streaked face. “You got me a ring?”

Rafael’s too emotional to speak. All he can do is nod. The smile Sonny beams down on him illuminates Rafael’s entire world, and everything in it. 

“I got you a ring, too,” Sonny breathes. “I was gonna propose to you.”

“Sonny-“ Rafael tries to speak, but he’s even more incapable now than he’d been the moment before.

Sonny chuckles through that Earth-shattering smile. “Say yes. Or nod. Tell me you’ll marry me.” 

Rafael still can’t talk, but he can nod, and he does. Suddenly, he can breathe again, and the world’s regained its color. He can smile again, too, but he supposes Sonny can’t see it, given that he’s smiling against Sonny’s lips. 

Many minutes later, they tear themselves away from each other’s mouths. They don’t separate – they keep in as much contact as possible – but it’s necessary to stop kissing to abandon the dishes, and the Carisi family home, for their own apartment. The cab driver who had dropped Rafael and Lucia off also happens to be the one who picks Rafael and Sonny up, but Rafael doesn’t even notice there is a driver, let alone who it is. 

**____________________________________________**

Rafael’s been staring at his ring, kissing it on Sonny’s left hand, playing with it, and filling his eyes with the sight of Sonny wearing it for several minutes. Sometimes he holds his left hand next to Sonny’s, to admire again at how their rings look together. He shakes his head once again at the joyful discovery that Sonny didn’t just agree to marry him, he’d been planning to propose himself. 

He supposes they’re going to have to plan a wedding now. But not _right_ now. Because, for one thing, they’re naked in bed. And for another, he’s lost count of the number of times Sonny’s made him come since they’ve been home, and his mind is far too sex-addled to concentrate that hard.

“That didn’t seem like the first time you’ve snuck out of your house,” Rafael says, mumbling a little because he’s kissing his ring on Sonny’s finger. 

“Please. I must’ve snuck out of that house a million times. I was a teenager, ya’ know.”

“I would have loved to see their faces when they realized we were gone.”

“Me, too,” Sonny laughs. “But I’d rather see your face.”

And then they’re kissing again, and laughing quietly. For a long time, there’s no more talking, and it’s all so right and perfect that neither one of them ever wants to leave this bed. 

Eventually, they resume snuggling, and Rafael likes the way Sonny’s voice rumbles in his chest under Rafael’s ear when he says, “Our Moms are gonna be a problem. They’re in cahoots now.”

“I know. But I was thinking, maybe we can harness their powers for good. Let’s ask them to plan our wedding. That’ll keep them occupied, at least for a while.”

As if on cue, one of their cell phones begins to chime. They don’t answer. That’s what voicemail is for, and neither Rafael nor Sonny is remotely willing to focus on anyone other than each other at this moment. 

Or for quite some time after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, friend Minnesotamemelord, there you have it. I sure hope this is something like what you had in mind. Thank you so much for the most delightful prompts; it was a pleasure writing this for you. <3<3<3

**Author's Note:**

> Title of work and all chapter titles are from Alicia Keys' "If I Ain't Got You". I listened to it while writing and recommend listening while reading!


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